Gracefully Frank

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I had a couple of specific prayers on a recent Sunday morning: “Please Lord, don’t let me be awkward, and don’t let me be late.” Both tall orders. The good news is I wasn’t late. Here is another direct quote from my journal that morning before going to meet my coworker and his wife who had invited me to church with them: “Please, please don’t let today be a day where I experience exactly what I pray not to experience just so I learn something. Please just let today be ok, and don’t let me be awkward.” I can look at that prayer and smile now, but I was seer-ee-uhs when I wrote it. I usually don’t share so blatantly from my journal, but somehow I think I’m not the only one who has ever prayed that. If you have ever felt awkward, or if you have ever asked for mercy, then maybe you can relate.

A little back story: I try really hard to be self-sufficient. I can take care of my own business. I will drive myself. I don’t need help. I will turn down your offer to help, to go, to drive, to be apart of, because I can take care of myself. And I will take care of you, too. But me needing help means I'm failing to take care of business. And of all the things I fail at, I need to not fail at taking care of business, because...(as a counselor I'm going to make myself finish that sentence to get to the heart of my own wrong belief)... because there is no one to take care of me. (That's not awkward to share, right?) As much as I talk about trusting God... I never want to be an inconvenience or bother to anyone, not even Him.  Guess which lie the devil likes to use on me. That's not sweet, it's more like stiff-necked with a hint of defiance.   Man do I get tired of realizing that so many times what I think of as a strength is actually a weakness steeped in unbelief and pride. (I can take care of myself = Pride. I have to take care of myself = Unbelief.)  The verse God keeps laying in my life, and I keep laying in this blog, is 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I have prayed this past year to have a better understanding of God's grace and sufficiency in my life, I didn't realize I was praying for a better understanding of my weaknesses.  I know now that one does not, could not, come without the other.  With that realization, He has begun laying a new verse in my life...I wonder where it will lead. I know in a few weeks, at least, it will lead to India where there is not even a hint of self-sufficiency available for me.

I definitely have friends and loved ones who override my self-sufficient objections and go out of their way for me.  I recognize and am so thankful for you. I pray I am that kind of friend to you. I'm only gracefully franking this because maybe some of you have tried to be your own strong tower. I feel awkward letting people help me, invite me, do for me, or know that I am not self-sufficient. Which is not a surprise to anyone in the universe but me. So when I try to be less sufficient...I'm awkward. (Is vulnerable a better word? Talk amongst yourselves.) I'll risk the awkwardness of sharing if it helps you look for cracks in your walls in order to break them loose, instead of put in more mortar. It feels good to break a little loose. And, I have to share this even if it makes me uncomfortable, because my answer to Him is yes. Yes, I will tell people of your faithfulness and my awkwardness. Which leads me to that Sunday morning prayer...

A few weeks ago I went on two 8 hour road trips with co-workers (to Branson, MO and back). A lot of Mumford and Sons. (“If only my enemy were bigger than my apathy.” I still can’t get that line out of my head.) Some testimony. Some barbecue. A lot of highway. Conversations led me to share how it has been hard to plug into a church since being in Plano. Not being a part of a church family has magnified feelings of separation. It has been a long and alone time, which has been heightened by what we have been going through as a family. If ever there were a time I wanted to be near my friends and family, it's been now. If ever I have felt very far away from them it's been now. I know I will look back on this time as precious time that the Lord broke me of yet another stronghold by His grace. But let's just say I'm ready to look back on this time. Thankful for it. Wouldn't undo it. But, Mercy.

So I said yes to the invitation to go to church with my co-worker and his wife. Since I’ve told the Lord the answer would be yes this year, I couldn't overly reassure my friend that I was ok and then go back to being at church alone this weekend. I kind of had to say yes. Thankfully, and probably awkwardly. So I prayed to not be awkward, and I went. I was on time, at least to the parking lot. I don't know if it is my new church home, but I am going to go back, and keep saying yes. And my friends were very welcoming. I did not feel awkward! Until the Pastor, Matt Chandler, said “We are going to talk about what Jesus says about sex and lust. It is about to get awkward in here.” I leaned up, thanked my new friends for inviting me, then sat back so we could all feel a little awkward together. Good times. God is funny.  He answered my prayer...mostly.  It was a great sermon, and so good to hear God’s truth unashamed. Matt’s enemy was bigger than his apathy or fear of awkward. God is good to us. And His ways are good for us. And I think He might have been watching my face when Matt actually used the word "awkward," God's well timed punch line for the day.

A brief aside...
If you are already comfortable in church, it might be good to realize that for some of the rest of us it is exponentially easier to walk into church invited, than getting up the nerve to go in and sit by ourselves, even as couples. Don’t presume if they wanted to go they would ask you, or that they know they are always invited. Call them. Text them. E-mail them. Don’t answer for them in your head. If they say no, ask them again some other time. Keep asking. (Did someone, some couple or some family come to mind when you read that sentence?) And don’t judge or condemn people for not running to feel alone at church. Instead, invite them and be the hands and feet God uses to make them feel welcome. Like my co-worker and his wife. Instead of just praying for me, they invited me.  And for those of us who are like me...keep going and keep praying. Invite someone to go with you, or go to the Sunday School/Small Group class to actually meet people. Go talk to the Pastor, or other church leader about where you could visit or serve to get plugged in. Humble yourself and pray. God is faithful, and he loves you, and way beyond that...He is worthy to not be an inconvenience to me or you, or for us to be more concerned about feeling awkward than being a part of the fellowship. That is a ridiculously huge understatement. I know it can be hard, even painful, but He is Jesus. The Messiah. He understands hard and painful. Perspective. Don't sympathize with anything in your life that keeps you from obedience to Christ...said me to myself.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."   Hebrews 12:1-2

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In lieu of 1000 words.

But, I have a few words. That is a picture of Hwy 60 between Ponca City and Pawhuska. Those are sun rays beaming down on the road most travelled in my lifetime, but rarely travelled anymore. My mom recently took this picture. She was on a stretch where she could pass cars, but thankfully there were no cars to pass, as she may have crossed more than one line trying to take this with her phone and drive at the same time.  Not a really good idea, but a really good picture especially with all the memories, music, conversations, faces and voices it brings to mind. I just like to look at it and remember back. I also like to look at that sun peeking through the clouds lighting the road ahead and dream a little bit forward. I know many of you have driven that same road, and maybe you would like to look at it and remember. Even if you weren't driving down Hwy 60, you might have your own highway to remember.  Your highway may not have prairie on both sides, but the yellow and white lines are the same. The rhythm of the pavement is probably pretty similar, your memories just as clear, and hopefully just as sweet.

It must be thousands (nope, I just got my calculator out, and it can't be thousands). It must be hundreds of times I sat in the back seat wondering if we were there yet, as my Dad drove me, mom and Chris back and forth to Barnsdall listening to country music on KPNC, and staring out the window at oil pumps, cows, horses, ranches, ponds and clouds.  I can see it, even if I don't close my eyes: Turning onto the highway with the Conoco refinery on the right as we cross the Arkansas River into the Osage. Familiar houses on both sides of the road that probably had no idea I inadvertently kept track of their place over the years. Past the road to Kaw Lake. Under the blinking lights of the Shidler/Fairfax turn-off. (I've still never actually been to Shidler, but according to my Grandpa John it was always spittin' snow there.) Past the little cross marking the grave of the unknown cowboy that I looked for every time. Past the Drummond ranch, the Tolson Insurance arrow shaped sign and Bluestem Lake into Pawhuska. Triangle Building. The road up to up to Aunt Karla's (have they left for Grandmas yet?). Aunt Karla's church. Boy Scout museum, then out of town.  Down past Aunt Sarah's parent's house, then turning off 60 and onto 11. Pershing, where Grandma Bonnie was born, and the old rock school building still stands. Past the Nelagoney turn off, down around the corner with the little rock cliff. Is the water going over Low Water Bridge? And on into Barnsdall. I think I could drive it in my sleep.

We drove that road in vans (both full size and mini), a station wagon, sedans, a couple of pickups, and a few old cars when they were running and could make the trip. Looking back I realize we had a disproportionate number of tan cars. We smelled the smoke of the ranchers burning off pasture land. We surveyed the water as it overflowed the banks of the river and creeks, and as its been so low it was worthy of noting we could see much more sand in the river, or creek bed than we were used to seeing. We pointed to the places where the tornadoes had obviously passed through, and waved at friends, family and even strangers we would pass because that's just kind of what you do. Even if it's just a lift of a few fingers from the steering wheel as you pass by a car coming from where you are going.  Flashed lights during the daytime let oncoming drivers know you passed a Sheriff a little ways back and they better lay off the gas.

The first time I got to travel out of town by myself I drove down that road. I made it all the way to Pawhuska playing Brooks and Dunn, En Vogue and Lynard Skynard's Ballad of Curtis Lowe, with the T-tops off, before my car over heated and I ended up on the side of the road. It wasn't a perfect trip, but someone's dad helped me get water in my overheated radiator and I was back on the road with a story to tell. I travel out of town by myself all the time now, and I continue to be taken care of no matter what road the sun is shining on ahead of me. See what I did there? I brought it all back around to how God has always taken care of me. :)

There was a first time I road down Hwy 60, and now I feel like I know every tree and rock.   So here is the bumper sticker life lesson to glean from this little story and picture: Every new road becomes an old familiar road once we've gone down it a time or two. Catchy. It's a good reminder for me as I continue to drive down new roads.  God has something in store along the way, and at the end. "For He knows the plans he has for me." Loosely translated: He knows the road. Whether it is Highway 60, or any other road we are on He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. Romans 8:28.

This morning Jesus Calling ended with this line: "Memories of these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence." He has really good timing. Check out the golden strands of His Presence again:

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I recently mentioned in a previous blog the time that I was the first one to dive off the high dive, and then never willing to do it again. I was probably in the 2nd or 3rd grade when I was enrolled in swimming lessons with my babysitter’s kids. The lessons were at Wentz Pool. (If you aren’t from Ponca, it’s an interesting google.) We’d learned to dog paddle. Learned to float. Learned to jump in off the low diving boards with our legs tucked and holding our nose, or not, depending on personal preference. I was a nose holder. It came to be time to try the high dive. I ran to the front of the line with my red, white and blue American flag-esque halter swimsuit. It was a cousin-hand-me-down with tie straps that had let me down during one lesson as I came up for a dead man’s float and found them floating alongside me instead of tied around my neck. Awesome. I don’t know if I had mullet yet, but that is about the same time, and in my mind the story is more humbling if topped with a mullet. Did I mention I was also a head taller than anyone else my age? Those were good years for me. Not awkward at all. Sometimes I’m still that kid.

So I climbed the ladder to the top diving board. All guts and glory. And I jumped. I survived! Cheers! Other kids got in line, as I swam to the side of the pool and decided I never wanted to do that again. Ever. “Haley get in line and do it again.” Nope. I had rustled up and gathered courage, but burned out quickly. I knew I could do it, but then didn’t want to press my luck. I needed sustaining courage. Guess where I’m going with this…

I am still in need of sustaining courage. I think I could muster up through adrenaline and grit, the courage to do almost anything I find a worthy cause. If I see the value I’m in…at first, but my knees tend to get weak later down the road. “Walk away from it all and follow You to Texas of all places?” I’m in. I can’t claim I was first in line that time…but I got in line. Then I got done with school and wanted/had anticipated I would go right back to Oklahoma (swim back to the side of the pool with wobbly knees). I was praying for God to make His will clear to me though; that I wanted His will not mine. “Lord if You tell me to jump off the high dive, and it’s not just my own dumb idea, make it clear to me.” I was talking to two places about employment. One in Oklahoma = with family and friends. One in Texas = Not. I slid the business card for the HR Manager of the place I am now employed here in Texas into my bible after my first interview. Later, as I was praying over the two opportunities and beginning to have a slight sinking feeling like Texas was fixin' to be home...I randomly opened my bible to the page where her card was and here is the verse my eyes fell on: “If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.” Hebrews 11:15-16. I could go back to Oklahoma if that is where my heart was, but I longed for someplace better that has nothing to do with Texas or even my family. I laid down and cried my eyes out. I’m not dramatic. Not because I at that point realized I was not going back to family and friends for that time being, which was then confirmed by the opportunity in Oklahoma not materializing, but I cried because God was again answering my prayer for clarity and courage. He was my confidence in this decision (Proverbs 3:26). He was leading me. The relief and peace and joy that these were His plans were again confirmed through His Word. I could say “coincidence,” but I will never again explain Him away. I will always choose to believe, because He does some pretty amazing things when I do. By faith I would follow Him, and in His faithfulness He makes His plans known to me. He keeps teaching me to not lean on my own understanding, certainly quit telling him what I don’t want to do, to be still, and to be brave; waiting on Him to make his path for me clear. Not because of who I am, or for my purposes; but because of who He is, for His purposes that He created me for (Ephesians 2:10). Be Still. That’s always been a hard one for me. Sometimes I just want to be normal. Sometimes I just want to go home. But, more than either of those, I just want to be faithful.

What I wanted to write about when I sat down here was the upcoming trip to India. I’m going in November. I got in line first thing, and I am now fighting wanting to swim to the side. I don’t know if this is how it works with all people who are called out to do this, but I am certainly struggling with “am I really able to do this?” “Who am I to do this?” “I should just hand the Hope For The Heart materials to them, and then sit at their feet. I should certainly never open my mouth.” I struggle with wanting to be brave, beyond my own strength. India feels a lot like a high dive, and I am unprepared, and yet here is what I read yesterday: “‘Ah, Sovereign Lord,’ I said, ‘I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.’ But the LORD said to me, ‘Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,’ declares the LORD. Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, ‘Now, I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.’ (Jeremiah 1:6-10)’ When Jeremiah voices his hesitation and fear, God–the God of the galaxies–reaches out and touches his mouth. It’s a gentle and affectionate gesture, something a loving parent would do. Through this illustration I realized that I don’t have to worry about not meeting His expectations. God will ensure my success in accordance with His plan, not mine.“ – Francis Chan in the book Crazy Love. Oh how I want to be faithful and brave beyond my self-centered insecurity. Ugh. I wish this would just click for me.

As of now I’m going alone. I would counsel someone that the truth is they are not alone. That the Lord himself goes before me and will be with me; he will never leave me nor forsake me. I don’t have to be afraid, I shouldn’t be discouraged (Deuteronomy 31:8) but, sometimes I talk too much. That scripture is absolutely the truth, and in God's time he will commit it to my heart as I let him.

So for now would you pray for me? I will share more about this trip and the many ways God has confirmed it in a future post, but for now would you pray for me even just once after you read this, as I am feeling a little bit like I’m in an American flag halter swimsuit with a mullet climbing a ladder that I probably have no business climbing. Would you pray that God would allow someone to travel with me? Maybe that is you? And would you read about Rev. Dr. Christopher David and his wife Hepzi. They are the wonderful servants of the Lord whom I will serve with in India. They have an abandon to God that I pray for, and a ministry I am honored to share with you. They've given me the ok to share their ministry letters.

Thank you for your prayers for me, for this trip, and for these people Jesus wants to know of His love and freedom not only in death, but also in life. Thank you for reading what is sometimes uncomfortable to be gracefully frank about. Thank You, Lord, for the sustaining courage that comes only from You, and the joy and peace that truly passes understanding that follows that courage. Thank You for high dives. Thank You for this ministry I work for, filled with people who have surrendered their lives to bring God's word to the hurting and his hope to the hopeless; and for letting me be a part of it. And thank you, mom, dad and my babysitter, that there are no pictures to share from my swim lessons at Wentz Pool.

Here is a good song I've been known to play on repeat: Brave - by Nichole Nordeman

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I can find my comfort zone anywhere. I’m in Destin, Florida. In a Starbucks. Listening to Bonnie Raitt. Drinking coffee. Sitting still for a minute. Giving thanks for a bit. Reflecting on this time. Enjoying this moment.

You may wonder why I’m at Starbucks instead of the beach? I have been at the beach; and I loved it. I mean I loooovvveed it. But, Irish white girls from Oklahoma don't build a base tan in 4 days, and will burn wherever sunscreen is not applied...which for me was my back. Uh, it is red. It hasn't stopped me from anything, but today it helped me decide to forego another beach day and have an antiquing, souvenir shopping day. It's amazing the fun you can have, when you don't care what kind of fun you have no matter where you are. “Be free.”

I have repeated "the answer is yes," multiple times this week. Why not just go with the flow? I’ve been thinking through the difference between my actual preferences, and what I am just used to/familiar with, and I’m finding I really have a LOT fewer preferences than I think I’ve always thought I had, and a lot more of what should be considered just what I’m used to. This revelation is freeing me up to have fewer opinions – don’t be shocked, and don’t get me wrong: I do still have opinions…I am just making sure they are reserved for when it counts; and it counts a lot less often about a lot more things. But, when it counts…hold still. :) I’m enjoying thinking familiarity doesn’t have to mean preference, so I’m changing up my responses a little. The answer is yes. If you get that, then good. If not, let’s just move on because I have still had to say “no” to a few things this week, as I have the kind of friends who will try to push some boundaries to challenge me when I think I’ve come up with some new theory of living.

The answer is "No" when the question is:

1) Do you want to do any activity that requires you to be in a harness? - No. Always no.

2) Would you want us to bury you in the sand? – No.

3) Do you want Shrimp and Grits? – No.

4) Do you want to be resuscitated if you get the flesh eating bacteria after playing in the ocean? – No.

Make your wishes known friends.

Here are some other things I’ve realized on this trip:

- When On Vacation At The Ocean

1) Put sunscreen everywhere. There is no harm in superfluous sunscreen application. You may end up applying aloe to the middle of your back with a Williams-Sonoma spatula if you are not thorough. I’m not naming any names, but I need a new spatula.

2) If you see a seashell you want, grab it right away. As soon as the tide comes in again it will be gone. Then you will only have the memory of it, instead of being able to hold it in your hand. Grab the seashell! If only there were a metaphorical life lesson in there somewhere.

3) It is almost impossible (I say almost, because it may be that just I can’t do this) to take footprint-in-the-sand pictures before the tide comes and washes the imprint of your foot away. I’m sure I looked a bit like a moron as I would take a few steps in sand wet enough to hold the print well, right after the tide washed out, and then flip around really fast to try and capture the image before the water washed it away again…multiple times. I was using my travelling alias, had on a big hat and sunglasses, no one knew it was me, so no harm. I don’t really like any pictures I got, but maybe He thought it was funny. He’s carried me always, but I’ve been really aware of it this past year. It’s been one to remember. Romans 5.

4) If you take a boat cruise that says you will wade in the ocean to find seashells in knee deep water, don’t believe them. You will be in your cute new white skirt up to your hips in seaweedy-hermit crab infested- ocean water. After returning to the boat, a little bit disheveled at having said “yes” to that adventure you may find yourself telling the kid next to you (after his dad reminds him again to sit down instead of stand on the bench where he is seconds away from falling overboard in swelling waves) “that means butt on the bench kid.” I even snapped and pointed as I said it. He minded me. In my mind I can hear Red or Blondie either one saying “Haley Lougene if I have to tell you again….” That is the tone of voice I had. Sadly, they usually had to tell me again. I would just get excited and forget. Like that kid standing on the bench.

5) I didn’t see a lot of restrooms at the beach. I’m pretty sure people are peeing in the water. That’s not a pretty-is-as-pretty-does thing to say, but Lady Birds are straight shooters. We like to “Real Talk.” Just know what you're getting into. Apparantly its okay.

- Get Fun Friends and Work to Keep Them

Do you need to go out of your way a bit? Do you need to forgive sometimes? Do you need to talk on the phone when you aren't much of a phone talker? Figure out who your true friends are and work to keep them. Should you go on vacation with them? The answer is yes, even if vacation is just a dinner out, or a dinner in. Make the effort. Friends are worth it. Especially those you love. Don’t put spending time with them off. Drive the miles. Sleep on the air mattress. Book the flight.  Here is what I found when I got off the plane:

I love those seashells.

I also got off the plane and saw an old friend from Ponca, she had noticed the signs with my big head on them. Hard to miss. It was so fun to run into her and see her pretty little daughters. P.S. I love Ponca! I hope Brandi and her family enjoyed their vacation!

Some pics from Florida:

Every state should be near the ocean, but Oklahoma has the Thunder so it kind of evens out.

PS...I came home to my new apartment in Plano after this vacation. I can’t even say enough how grateful I am to Kenny and Sara who came down from Oklahoma to move me. I LOVE THEM! They helped finish painting, moved me, and put together my new bookshelves. Before they left that day my new place was already a home. I’m kind of giddy happy to have my things about me. (Imagine the scene in The Quiet Man with John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara where she explains to him she just wants her things about her. Me too. Now I do. :) Please pray for Kenny and Sara this week as they will fly to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia to meet their baby girl. Seriously, that is happening. She is beautiful, and I can hardly wait to snuggle with her. Wish I were going with them.

PSS…If you haven’t seen The Quiet Man, you should. Maybe you would like to come to Plano to see me and we can watch it together. I have a new place where a couple of walls are painted Evening Stroll (a beautiful blue), and my things are about me. If you are reading this, it is likely some of my things remind me of you: pictures, vacation reminders (glass alligator, my refrigerator magnets, etc), theology books, my Pioneer Woman statue, my Mamie quilt. All out of boxes. They aren’t my Treasure, they aren’t my memories, but they are reminders of all I’m thankful for. You can even stay with with me.

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Saturday I bought beach nail polish. The kind of bright color that says, these toes are going to the beach. The kind of color that should be worn with flip-flops and be a little covered with sand. Not the kind of color that should be worn with neutral tone heels into a counseling session. Friday morning when I woke up I had no idea I would be going to the beach in a couple of weeks. When a couple of Lady Birds had originally asked me I pretty quickly decided that was something I couldn’t do. But, suddenly on Friday, I decided I could. I’m deciding I can a lot more often lately. Go ahead and ask me to do something. The answer is yes (within reason). Should I buy a couch off of Craigslist for $40, without being totally sure it will fit in my new apartment? Yes. Because I did, and I’m not. I know. I’m edgy. So I’m going to Florida. I don’t need to go to the beach, but it delights me to do so. I want to walk on the sand, I want to pick up seashells. I want to read a book. I want to get in the water. I want to eat seafood with friends even though I don’t really like it. I want to do something I don’t need to do, but just want to. One of my favorite friends lives in Destin. Why would I not go? It’s dumb not to. So, Friday I bought my ticket, and Saturday I bought beach nail polish. I think sometimes my reasonability, or striving to be responsible is actually probably a little more about being fearful (there I said it). Maybe I try to protect myself instead of trusting God to protect me? He surprises, delights and proves me wrong all the time. So I’m going to roll with it. Trusting people has been a recurring problem for me. I kind of reserve trust for proof (insert assumptions here), so trusting Him sometimes gets caught in that crossfire. But, I’m shaking it off a little and going to Florida.

Oh and hey I’m also going to India. Like on-the-other-side-of-the-planet-Earth India. I give an inch and He takes a mile. :) India is further away from Oklahoma than Ethiopia, Florida or Texas. This is starting to get interesting. Be really careful when you tell God what you don’t want to do, BUT that you surrender all. He will change your heart, (probably even give you a new one), and you will find yourself in the most surprising places, and have whole new perspectives on places you’ve been a million times. Thankfully, He isn’t confined by my self-confirmed rational insecurities that I pass off as being reasonable. His plans will not be thwarted. Get on board, or not. I’m on board. I’m not sure you could get any further out of my comfort zone than India. (I probably shouldn’t say that either or my next blog might be titled “Live From Iraq.”) I try to act like I’m all grown up, but I don’t feel much different than I ever have to tell the truth, and who am I? Bossy Haley, B student, too loud, procrastinator, the first one in line to jump off the high dive, but then too scared to ever do it again (true story). I’m always kind of floored when things come together, and I kind of feel like I’m winging it most of the time. I know I get a real serious look on my face and may point my finger as if I know exactly what I’m doing. I don’t. And I certainly quit thinking I knew what I was doing the day I committed to move to Fort Worth. I decided then to put me in His hands, and to know nothing but Christ and Him crucified, and to follow Him wherever, however, whenever. A lot less predictable, a lot less explainable, a lot less rational in my own understanding, “but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9…again.

His Word keeps spurring me on. So, grossly inadequate and comically unsure, but with a growing love for those who have come to know Jesus as their Savior, but are undiscipled with lives that don’t reflect the joy and peace of a growing relationship with Jesus Christ, (just like I once was), I am going to India. How many times have we looked at the life of a Christian with condemnation because they continued to struggle with sin we think they should be over. I’m so thankful for the professors I had at Southwestern (Jones, Floyd, McGuire, Moitinho, Wicker) who taught me to meet a man where he is, where she is hurting, and instead of using the Word to condemn them, be used by God to show them how His Word sets them free. I continue to learn everyday where God has led me to work and serve. Our sin condemns us. His Word sets us free. Instead of slaughtering the sheep, Christ told us to feed them if we love him. If they don’t know that Jesus loves them, they are going to know that I do. And when they wonder why I do, I will be able to tell them because He does. Jesus does.

The last beach I visited was on the shore of the Sea of Galilee.
The beach where John 21:15-19 took place.

I will save the details of how this trip came to be for another day. For now, let me just say, God is faithful, He is alive and active and He has plans. Seven or eight months ago, when it was on my heart to begin saving for a trip, this is what God was planning. I thought it would be to go back to somewhere I've already been. I said yes, before I knew the proposal. But he's leading to a whole new place. So in partnership with the ministry I work for, in November I will have the humbling opportunity to talk with believers in India to...as the Hope For The Heart mission statement says: Provide Bible-based counsel to renew minds, heal hearts, and bring hope to the hurting, while empowering Christians to disciple others.

Empowered Christians, with complete patience, loving one-another, sharing the Truth so that we may be free from the hurts and chains that bind us and conformed to the image of His Son.

“For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord…who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began…” 2 Timothy 1:8-9

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I have been storytelling on this blog for almost a year. It's my favorite toy. It's my testimony. It's one way I try to share how God's grace comes through in my life. It's a canvas I love to decorate. It’s the…I can’t think of any other cheesy metaphors to put here. Well, actually, I can. But, I’ll stop anyway.

I write today sitting in a big gazebo. The kind you see in old movies in the middle of a town square. The wind and the nearby train whistle are blowing, like the American and Texas flags over my head...and my hair in my face. I just walked through Georgia’s Farmer’s Market where I will buy produce for my table and geraniums for my balconette, when I move to this neighborhood in June. I just signed the lease and am already enjoying the neighborhood.

I don’t know how long I will live here, but as of yesterday, I know when I will live here. Like Ponca City, Edmond, Stillwater, Tulsa, Barnsdall, Fort Worth, and Carrollton…Plano will soon be a town where I once lived. It is the first place that I have chosen to live since leaving Tulsa. Even though Ladybird Manor ended up being one of my favorite places ever, I didn’t go into it by choice, but by necessity. Where I live now has been safe and comfortable, but by necessity. I'm surprised at how much joy this move is giving me and its still two months away. It's also only a 4 minute drive to work, which means no more anger management moments on the highway! I’ve been looking here for over a year just waiting for the timing to be right, and it seems as though it is. Philippians 4:19

This moment of serenity was just interrupted by a little boy who got too adventurous, apparently crossed a boundary his mom had set, and suffered the consequence about 6 feet from me. Live and learn little guy. His wild eyed smile was worth my being interrupted. I kind of have a wild eyed smile right now too…but, this is not an adventurous escape like he just tried to commit. I have had my share of those, and suffered the same consequence as him. This is another adventure in faith that continually leaves me being Surprised By Joy; which is the name of a book by C.S. Lewis I picked up yesterday at Barnes & Noble before dinner at Cheesecake Factory with a friend. What a lovely weekend.

I’ve started working on something else aside from this blog, and if you are reading this, I would love your input. I am asking for you to share a story with me this time. I am really interested in examining our motivations for doing life. The people, places, things we build our life around. In my life I have had all sorts of motivations. Some have meant good for me, and some have meant not good for me. Maybe that is the same for you? I also know sometimes I haven’t even stopped to consider my motivation, and I just set off for the goal. Why did I even have that goal? We just barrel through, sometimes confidently, sometimes flailing. In examining our motivations we may find the inspiration to make a change; or we may find the confirmation to be still. No two stories, no two motivations are the same.

So, I’m doing a little research, and maybe this blog will be a catalyst to gather some motivations stories. A little different take on the usual “motivational” stories we like to share. Personal experiences and stories are how we learn.

Professionally, I am a counselor now which means I have actually been trained in confidentiality. It’s not a superpower, but it is a promise. I may tell my own stories as frankly as even I am sometimes uncomfortable to share them, but I would not share yours in the same way. The project I'm working on is not for this blog. If you are so gracious to share a story with me, that would mean you are ok with me using it. And you understand that I would change parts of it for the sake of it being confidential.

So, what motivates you? Maybe you would want to write about one of the following:

What/Who is the biggest influence in your life?

What event/time did you witness that changed you forever?

How did the family you grew up in impact who you are today?

How does your family today impact who you are?

Why do you work where you work?

Why do you worship who you worship?

Why do you serve who you serve?

What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

What makes you not want to get out of bed in the morning?

What do you regret?

What do you hope for?

If you think you might be willing to share your story of what motivates you please write a few sentences, a paragraph, a page or a chapter. Maybe this will be a testimony you will be able to share with others. Share with me as little or as much as you would like. It may be a sad story; a happy story; a story in progress. A story of faith, or a story not of faith. There is no right or wrong story to share, or way to share it. There is also no time limit for sharing your story. I had some time to write today, it was a gift. You may have had a gift that would have prevented you from writing today, or tomorrow. No rush. If in a month you have a minute to sit still and think about this...send it to me then. Even if you have connected with my blog through a friend and you and I haven't met, I would like to hear from you.

It doesn't hurt to ask, right? E-mail to haleyscully@yahoo.com. If you know of others who might be willing to share their stories, would you consider sharing this blog with them by reposting it on your facebook, or e-mailing them the link?

I'm thankful to share, blessed that you read, and hoping you may consider sharing with me.

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Gracefully Frank

H.S.

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Gracefully Frank

H.S.

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