It begins today. I’m going to begin sharing this India journey with you. Two weeks from today I will do my own proverbial version of jumping off the cliff, sky diving, trusting. It’s funny how I thought moving to Fort Worth would be my big leap in life. But, He keeps taking my breath away with new and further leaps. I’m so uninformed of the agenda! The more I try to figure the agenda out, the more anxious I get. The more anxious I get, the more I’m driven to seek Him. The more I seek Him, the less the agenda matters.

So, laying aside every weight (where is God leading? What is He doing in my life? Is He taking care of me? Will I stay in Texas? Will I move closer to home? Will I ever get married? Will I ever be a mother? And a whole host of other thoughts for family and friends that I would like to see him fix and heal), and laying aside every sin (I’m going to opt out of listing those), I am going to run with endurance the race that is set before me…looking to Jesus. (Heb. 12:1-2) He’s been softly and tenderly and silently letting me squirm and question and strive…all to bring me to let go again. Let Him lead again. Surrender is always so sweet with Him.  

Yesterday, I had to have my crying fit. I knew it was coming. Preparing for India, so outside of my pretty walls-painted-Evening-Stroll-blue box, is a little daunting to me. Daunting equals stress. Stress equals a moment of unabashed tears. My co-workers are so lucky. I didn’t go out into the lobby and tear my clothes or throw ash around, but I did the equivalent at my desk with a friend who is a blessing in my life. We talked about God’s silence. She pointed me to My Utmost For His Highest, October 11th. We talked about how the Holy Spirit is the One who will be at work in India, I just have to let go and let Him do it. Then I sat at my desk, praying for clarity and courage, the same prayer that first led me to Fort Worth. And it began to get clearer, and He is making me feel stronger. I really wish I was more classy and could report to you that with total coolness I am living this life of surrender to Him, but I am just kind of messy. I wrestle with where He has led, and where He is leading. I get insecure and awkward and unsure and angry (I’m Irish) and sad, and although I do not lose my resolve, although my faith continues to grow, I do sometimes lose a little heart when my frailty is exposed. But all of those answers of Who am I? keep turning back into Who is He? And the answer to Who is He?... Shuts my mouth. Restores my joy. Heals my wounds. Grows my love. Quiets my fears. Directs my footsteps. Washes me clean. Transforms my life. Sets me free. Still makes me cry though. I love Him, and love sometimes spills out of my eyes.

“All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we (I) are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We (I) implore you on behalf of Christ, to be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:18-21.

So after my fit yesterday, I got a lot of work done. Then I went home. Listened to Simon and Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits, one of my favs, had a fun conversation with someone I love talking to about ice cream and good news, cooked dinner, worked on my church home group study that I will go to again this weekend, read a couple of chapters of Love Does, and said goodnight to the day.

This morning on my way to work I accidentally hit shuffle-all music on my iPod as I hooked it up in the car. The first song was a Willie Nelson song from his album Stardust, another one of my favorites. So I left it on shuffle. As I drove, the next song that came on was Alanis Morissette’s “Thank You.” I have not actually listened to this song in years, and as I really listened to the lyrics I began to laugh…all the way to work. I don’t know what all these words to this song meant to her, but I know what they mean to me. There are so many words from yesterday in those lyrics. Like I’ve said before, we can explain things away all day long, or maybe that wasn’t a coincidence. Maybe He shuffled my iPod? Can He not do that? You could roll your eyes at that, or maybe you might listen for Him a little closer in your life. He’s kind of great. He is the God of the universe, and yet He, because He is Love, loves me...and takes care of me, from one degree of glory to the next. Ridiculous.

It ruins the mood to just type out the lyrics, but if you want to see them google it.  And if you have a second maybe listen for yourself.  You can click on the link below for a live version that may be more palatable than her video for most.  For the record, I'm not on any antibiotics.

Click here:  Thank You - Alanis Morissette