Don’t Assume

As a single adult in my late 40s serving in ministry, counseling, and coaching, I’ve had many opportunities to hear the stories, hearts, and relationship goals of unmarried individuals. Recent Pew Research shows 40% of Christian adults (aged 30-64) are single. Our responses to and contentment with being unmarried vary greatly. However, in many of our experiences, the perceptions of unmarried adults in this age range tend not to vary greatly. Especially in our local churches where a heartfelt focus is placed on families, those outside of this church-goer norm—married and having children—can feel awkward and out of place. A general perception is that there is something wrong with single people.

Are they broken? Are they weird? Have they gone through a tragedy?

The truth is probably yes. We all have weirdness and brokenness in our lives. We all have probably gone through hard things.

As you offer your skills and giftings as a friend, coach, or mentor to single people, here are a couple of assumptions to avoid:

Don’t assume there is a problem; there may be a purpose.

Don’t assume there is a purpose; there may be a problem.

Your best tool for discovering if they are single on purpose or because of a problem is to ask good questions. Listen to their story. Has pain or have broken relationships impacted their status? Has there been a calling or duty in their life that has prevented them from marrying or led them in a different direction than marriage?

Don’t assume their relationship solution.

Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”

Not every adult is made to climb a tree—some of us swim. Don’t assume God’s solution. Don’t make the mistake of thinking marriage is the goal. Marriage is a blessing; discipleship is the goal.

Adopt Principles

These assumptions are not meant to bring condemnation on those of you who have said these things to singles. I believe people mean well and they really want to encourage with their words. However, if you are in a position to minister to or care for singles, you may want to consider adjusting your delivery and comments with compassion and understanding as you desire to build trust and rapport with those you serve. It’s not up to them just to “know what you meant to say” or “not be so sensitive.” If caring for, coaching, or loving the single people in your life is important to you, then these principles should be standards.

Don’t use clichés or trite comments in reference to their dissatisfaction with singleness.
Jesus was single. Paul said singleness is a gift.

If I had a dime . . . These are true statements. Jesus was single. He was/is also God. Impersonalized Biblical example encouragements are more likely to deflate than encourage. These statements imply that not only are they single, but they are also failing to be like Jesus or live up to Paul’s exhortation. Instead, ask them if they have found encouragement in Jesus’ example or in some of Paul’s statements on singleness. Let them unpack their position with you instead of you placing an expectation on them.

Don’t shame their emotions.
Here are four things I’ve heard said to me and to others that are meant to be an encouragement, yet often feel more like an admonishment.

1)     If you just have faith, God will bring you your mate.
Singleness is not a punishment for lack of faith. Tying their circumstances or dissatisfaction in their singleness to a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity sets them up to think that God is holding out on them until they believe more or better.  Marriage involves two people and multiple factors. One person’s faith does not manifest a two-person union. One person’s faith can impact their openness to receive and grow in new relationships. Focus on encouraging faith in God’s goodness as they seek His will and plan for their life.

2)     God’s timing is perfect. Maybe you or your mate just aren’t ready yet.
No one is perfect, but hopefully all believers are learning and growing. Implying that single adults need to reach some level of readiness or holiness before God will lead them to marriage may cause them to be hard on themselves or, believe that God is being hard on them. It also implies all the married people were somehow perfectly ready for their mate, despite their flaws and sinful habits.

3)     You are never really alone.
There are times when single people will walk alone. I recently drove nearly five hours to be with my family as we laid my grandmother to rest. I know the Lord was with me, yet He didn’t drive the car while I cried. He didn’t physically hold my hand during the service. I’m so thankful for His Word, and the Spirit, and worship music, and for friends and family who encourage me. Still, I had to walk out some of that time by myself—not spiritually alone, but physically, and in my grief, emotionally alone. Being alone is not a sin. Feeling that pain is not disrespectful to a relationship with Christ. Don’t twist the practical pains that may come with singleness and make them spiritual deficits.

4)      As soon as you are content in your singleness, God will send you your mate.
Where in Scripture does God say if you will just get content in your greatest pain, then He will change it? Just get content where you don’t want to be, then He will move you? Get content in your illness, then He will heal you? God does tell us to praise Him in the storm, but he doesn't say we have to like the storm. Praise reminds us of who He is and where our help comes from, but he doesn't require we get content in the struggle. His goodness and blessing isn’t dependent on our contentment. However, our contentment is very much tied to our trust in Him. There are times when we grow to trust the Lord in circumstances to a point where we relax and, in a way, get out of our own way. Contentment unlocks our own closed doors, not God’s.

Don’t Take God’s Word Out of Context

This principle is probably the one that has been of greatest importance in my life and understanding of my singleness. For example: Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse is just one of many often said to people who are waiting on the Lord in various seasons of life. It is particularly used with singles who “desire” to be married.

Taking the liberty of applying scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs. As a transparent example from my life, I very much desired to have children. It is the great pain of my life and challenge to my joy that my path has not led to being a mother. My story is too long to tell here, yet ultimately, alongside this disappointment, I also very much delight myself in the Lord. My trust in Him grows, and my steps for Him are determined. And yet, there are “desires of my heart” He has not led me to fulfill. I had to wrestle with this verse, which has been spoken to me many times regarding marriage and having children, to align my experiences with what felt like contradictions to His Word. This verse does not promise marriage. Claiming this verse did not compel God to adhere to people’s application of it. The sincerity of people reassuring me that someday I would have children because that was my heart’s desire put a false hope in me that, for a time, damaged my faith in God’s goodness. Don’t set them up to doubt His faithfulness in your effort to grow hope where He may not intend for it to grow. Don’t promise them what He hasn’t.

First Steps

Especially as we coach, counsel, and mentor single people, we should not encourage them through their singleness and into new relationships without addressing their current relationships and considering the necessary skillsets that may need to be tuned or even acquired. Where are their successes? What attributes make them a success? What are their strengths in those relationships? What are their weaknesses? Help them grow in successful building and maintaining in the relationships they already have. As they align to what He has already given them—and seek His purposes for their life—the relationships they enter will have a better chance of developing from a place of health and freedom, not from need and dependence.

I came to a point in my life where I said, “Okay, God. You have not called me to be a wife or a mother. So, who am I? Who did you create me to be?” As I personally aligned myself to prioritize the relationships and goals God clearly ordained for me (follow Christ, love and honor my parents, be a good aunt, friend, coworker, etc.), that is when I began to really see God’s purpose and calling in my life. I began reaching for the goals He showed me. So far, that has not led to a husband and it did not lead to bearing children, but my contentment is in knowing I sought the Lord for His plan, and I am convinced of His goodness in it. To be honest, this contentment doesn’t always relieve the grief that comes with hopes deferred. However, the fulfillment I have in knowing that I am exactly where He has called me to be gives me incredible empowerment, peace, and even joy. Encourage your friends to align to God’s will in their existing relationships and seek Him for their next steps.

Don't assume God's solution. 

Adopt principles that respect single people and His purposes for them. 

Lead them to His Word in context.

Help them align to what God has given them and allow Him to determine their path forward. 

We may want God to honor the relationship we think they need, but they will be the most fulfilled when they prioritize and seek the relationships that honor and align with His will and purposes for their life.

If you are coaching, counseling, mentoring, or discipling others in your work or ministry, you may be interested in the tools and credentialing available through the International Christian Coaching Institute. www.iccicoaching.com