Gracefully Frank

  

God has a plan. I believe that because I have lived that.

 

I began writing Gracefully Frank detailing his plans (one million years – okay, 15 years – and 4 billion miles ago), not knowing how all of this would unfold. As I type these words, I’m sitting in seat 9F with the seatbelt sign on and Chandler Moore singing Lead Me On in my wired ear pods. The clouds are rocking us around, and I’m looking through the holes for signs of land below. This familiar feeling has me feeling writey. I do wonder, though, if it would be helpful for me to join the pilots in the cockpit?

 

One of those Milestone Years

This year was out of the ordinary. It gave me opportunities to look back on my ebenezers—those reminders in my own life of God’s faithfulness—and remember, while also taking a deep breath and doing some new things.

A few of those new things:

• I turned 50 to a sunrise at the Grand Canyon with my forever friends whom I love.
• I kept some pretty plants alive because I was home more to talk to them and keep them watered (some of them were still very dramatic and made the choice to not live under my care). This is why I don’t have pets.
• The Hope Together Conference sold out!
• I shared more thoughts and my heart and listened to the thoughts and hearts of others on Hope Talks. I think writing Gracefully Frank prepared me to talk hope with transparency.
• I shot a shot.
• I took a sabbatical by the ocean and experienced a deepening of friendships I prayed for and hold onto with all my heart. “K, guys?!?”
• My nephew has moved in with me for a little while as he gets settled in Texas. I love having space and a place for him. My brother referred to us as “the Dallas Scullys” and I like us being plural down here now.

All this and we haven’t even made it to Thanksgiving yet.

 

I think starting a new decade is a good time to take a deep breath and look ahead. But for me to do that well, I needed to look back. Looking back over these years of stepping out into these skies, I remember all that God has done—the wonderful and the heartbreaking, the vague and the clear, the sad and the joyful, the quiet and the loud, the chaotic and the peaceful. I can’t recall all of that without also remembering this: he is still guiding me today, and he will guide me through the days to come.

 

Holding My Breath Again

 

Almost 20 years ago, I left Tulsa holding my breath, hoping God had a plan and I wasn’t ruining my life. Based on my expectations and disappointments, there have been moments and seasons when I wondered if I had done exactly that. But the Lord has always brought the right people, the right yes’s, and the right no’s into my life at just the right moments to light the next step ahead of me. And it has been good. He is the God Who Sees me.

I needed to look back on his faithfulness this year because I realized I had started holding my breath again. Those closest to me know this, so I may as well say it out loud here. Somewhere in recent years, I took a deep breath and never released it—but not for the same reasons as before. 

This time, it wasn’t fear of the unknown. It was knowing the stakes. As pressures and even a few attacks mounted, I had let the joy of opportunity and calling become a stressful burden of responsibility that seeped discouragement into various lanes of my life. Honestly, I don’t always feel up to the task of managing all of my lanes, no matter how much I love them. And I very much do. Still, this year in particular had me feeling a bit burned out. Although that isn’t the best feeling, I think it was actually safe to finally feel this way and release some grips I was trying to hold. I know my identity. I know who holds tomorrow. I know ways to avoid burnout and exhaustion. I’ve counseled on it. And now, I’ve experienced it.

 

That nagging stress had put me a little on edge. I carried pressure I wasn’t meant to carry, and didn't even need to carry on my own. The pressure didn't come from lack around me, it came from within me. After years of building, traveling, saying yes’s and no’s, organizing, hoping, growing, laughing and crying, and always trying hard, I found myself kind of hunkered down. Can you relate?

 

At this point though, after all he’s done, I can’t be tempted to fear that God doesn’t have a plan. I know he does. But I can still be tempted to dread what his plan might ask of me—or to believe that somehow it’s all up to me to make it happen. The truth is: even though I haven't always liked his plans, I do love where he has led me. And I know it’s not by my strength that I am here. I'm so incredibly grateful. I don’t need to dread the plans, or do the heavy lifting. He’s got the whole world in his hands. He can manage mine. He is actually more than able.

 

I walk in faith, but sometimes I forget that I don’t have to carry the whole load while I’m doing it. 

Looking Back to Go Forward

 

So, this year in particular, (my first in my fifties), I found that sometimes to go forward we need to look back. People say not to look in the rearview mirror when you’re moving forward because you aren’t going that way. But with the Lord, sometimes looking back is exactly what helps us keep going. The road—or the skies—ahead may be unclear. Remembering who created me and what he has done, helps me reclaim who I am in light of who he is. That helps me take my hands off the wheel and, since I’m on a plane today, climb out of the cockpit. My version of putting my blinders on to “use the force” to trust and rest in him. It’s been a ride I didn’t know to ask for, and one I’m glad I didn’t miss.  

As my friend and I drove to the ocean for that summertime sabbatical, I made her listen to the song American Honey a few times on repeat. I never claimed to not be cheesy, and it was road-trip-playlist gold. That song is a little look-back reminder that I can sing loud in the car. I’m not so innocent, pure, and sweet at this point, but that whisper in the wind calling out my name like a long-lost friend hit home. I know that voice. Gone for so long now, I got to get back to her somehow . . . I love a good playlist.  I’m getting back to her because looking back has been good for me. 

Life didn’t change a lot this year, but it’s feeling like a fresh start.

Do you need one of those where you are?

Maybe start by looking back.

He works all things together. And as I recall that the Lord truly Is My Shepherd, my spirit is at rest. I pray looking back, helps you look forward, too.

As you remember where your strength comes from and all he has done, Psalm 23 is a good passage to hold onto. He is our Good Shepherd. 

. . . he refreshes my soul on paths of righteousness for his name’s sake . . .

 ______________________________

A Little Looking Back of Your Own

If you need a fresh start too, maybe sit with a few of these, when you have a minute to sit still. 

1. When you look back, where do you see God’s faithfulness—in the wonderful things and in the heartbreaking ones? What person, yes, or no comes to mind?

2. What’s making you hold your breath right now? Has something that once felt like joy or calling started to feel like a load you have to carry alone?

3. Where are you trying to take the wheel or fly the plane when your part might simply be to go for the ride? What would trusting him look like there?

4. What are you longing to reclaim—peace, joy, a friendship, a bit of yourself? What small step could you take toward that this week that might help you get back to who you were before the stress or disappointment or exhaustion?

5. What reminder from your own story can you carry into the days ahead, even if you can’t see the destination yet?

Don’t Assume

As a single adult in my late 40s serving in ministry, counseling, and coaching, I’ve had many opportunities to hear the stories, hearts, and relationship goals of unmarried individuals. Recent Pew Research shows 40% of Christian adults (aged 30-64) are single. Our responses to and contentment with being unmarried vary greatly. However, in many of our experiences, the perceptions of unmarried adults in this age range tend not to vary greatly. Especially in our local churches where a heartfelt focus is placed on families, those outside of this church-goer norm—married and having children—can feel awkward and out of place. A general perception is that there is something wrong with single people.

Are they broken? Are they weird? Have they gone through a tragedy?

The truth is probably yes. We all have weirdness and brokenness in our lives. We all have probably gone through hard things.

As you offer your skills and giftings as a friend, coach, or mentor to single people, here are a couple of assumptions to avoid:

Don’t assume there is a problem; there may be a purpose.

Don’t assume there is a purpose; there may be a problem.

Your best tool for discovering if they are single on purpose or because of a problem is to ask good questions. Listen to their story. Has pain or have broken relationships impacted their status? Has there been a calling or duty in their life that has prevented them from marrying or led them in a different direction than marriage?

Don’t assume their relationship solution.

Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”

Not every adult is made to climb a tree—some of us swim. Don’t assume God’s solution. Don’t make the mistake of thinking marriage is the goal. Marriage is a blessing; discipleship is the goal.

Adopt Principles

These assumptions are not meant to bring condemnation on those of you who have said these things to singles. I believe people mean well and they really want to encourage with their words. However, if you are in a position to minister to or care for singles, you may want to consider adjusting your delivery and comments with compassion and understanding as you desire to build trust and rapport with those you serve. It’s not up to them just to “know what you meant to say” or “not be so sensitive.” If caring for, coaching, or loving the single people in your life is important to you, then these principles should be standards.

Don’t use clichés or trite comments in reference to their dissatisfaction with singleness.
Jesus was single. Paul said singleness is a gift.

If I had a dime . . . These are true statements. Jesus was single. He was/is also God. Impersonalized Biblical example encouragements are more likely to deflate than encourage. These statements imply that not only are they single, but they are also failing to be like Jesus or live up to Paul’s exhortation. Instead, ask them if they have found encouragement in Jesus’ example or in some of Paul’s statements on singleness. Let them unpack their position with you instead of you placing an expectation on them.

Don’t shame their emotions.
Here are four things I’ve heard said to me and to others that are meant to be an encouragement, yet often feel more like an admonishment.

1)     If you just have faith, God will bring you your mate.
Singleness is not a punishment for lack of faith. Tying their circumstances or dissatisfaction in their singleness to a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity sets them up to think that God is holding out on them until they believe more or better.  Marriage involves two people and multiple factors. One person’s faith does not manifest a two-person union. One person’s faith can impact their openness to receive and grow in new relationships. Focus on encouraging faith in God’s goodness as they seek His will and plan for their life.

2)     God’s timing is perfect. Maybe you or your mate just aren’t ready yet.
No one is perfect, but hopefully all believers are learning and growing. Implying that single adults need to reach some level of readiness or holiness before God will lead them to marriage may cause them to be hard on themselves or, believe that God is being hard on them. It also implies all the married people were somehow perfectly ready for their mate, despite their flaws and sinful habits.

3)     You are never really alone.
There are times when single people will walk alone. I recently drove nearly five hours to be with my family as we laid my grandmother to rest. I know the Lord was with me, yet He didn’t drive the car while I cried. He didn’t physically hold my hand during the service. I’m so thankful for His Word, and the Spirit, and worship music, and for friends and family who encourage me. Still, I had to walk out some of that time by myself—not spiritually alone, but physically, and in my grief, emotionally alone. Being alone is not a sin. Feeling that pain is not disrespectful to a relationship with Christ. Don’t twist the practical pains that may come with singleness and make them spiritual deficits.

4)      As soon as you are content in your singleness, God will send you your mate.
Where in Scripture does God say if you will just get content in your greatest pain, then He will change it? Just get content where you don’t want to be, then He will move you? Get content in your illness, then He will heal you? God does tell us to praise Him in the storm, but he doesn't say we have to like the storm. Praise reminds us of who He is and where our help comes from, but he doesn't require we get content in the struggle. His goodness and blessing isn’t dependent on our contentment. However, our contentment is very much tied to our trust in Him. There are times when we grow to trust the Lord in circumstances to a point where we relax and, in a way, get out of our own way. Contentment unlocks our own closed doors, not God’s.

Don’t Take God’s Word Out of Context

This principle is probably the one that has been of greatest importance in my life and understanding of my singleness. For example: Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse is just one of many often said to people who are waiting on the Lord in various seasons of life. It is particularly used with singles who “desire” to be married.

Taking the liberty of applying scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs. As a transparent example from my life, I very much desired to have children. It is the great pain of my life and challenge to my joy that my path has not led to being a mother. My story is too long to tell here, yet ultimately, alongside this disappointment, I also very much delight myself in the Lord. My trust in Him grows, and my steps for Him are determined. And yet, there are “desires of my heart” He has not led me to fulfill. I had to wrestle with this verse, which has been spoken to me many times regarding marriage and having children, to align my experiences with what felt like contradictions to His Word. This verse does not promise marriage. Claiming this verse did not compel God to adhere to people’s application of it. The sincerity of people reassuring me that someday I would have children because that was my heart’s desire put a false hope in me that, for a time, damaged my faith in God’s goodness. Don’t set them up to doubt His faithfulness in your effort to grow hope where He may not intend for it to grow. Don’t promise them what He hasn’t.

First Steps

Especially as we coach, counsel, and mentor single people, we should not encourage them through their singleness and into new relationships without addressing their current relationships and considering the necessary skillsets that may need to be tuned or even acquired. Where are their successes? What attributes make them a success? What are their strengths in those relationships? What are their weaknesses? Help them grow in successful building and maintaining in the relationships they already have. As they align to what He has already given them—and seek His purposes for their life—the relationships they enter will have a better chance of developing from a place of health and freedom, not from need and dependence.

I came to a point in my life where I said, “Okay, God. You have not called me to be a wife or a mother. So, who am I? Who did you create me to be?” As I personally aligned myself to prioritize the relationships and goals God clearly ordained for me (follow Christ, love and honor my parents, be a good aunt, friend, coworker, etc.), that is when I began to really see God’s purpose and calling in my life. I began reaching for the goals He showed me. So far, that has not led to a husband and it did not lead to bearing children, but my contentment is in knowing I sought the Lord for His plan, and I am convinced of His goodness in it. To be honest, this contentment doesn’t always relieve the grief that comes with hopes deferred. However, the fulfillment I have in knowing that I am exactly where He has called me to be gives me incredible empowerment, peace, and even joy. Encourage your friends to align to God’s will in their existing relationships and seek Him for their next steps.

Don't assume God's solution. 

Adopt principles that respect single people and His purposes for them. 

Lead them to His Word in context.

Help them align to what God has given them and allow Him to determine their path forward. 

We may want God to honor the relationship we think they need, but they will be the most fulfilled when they prioritize and seek the relationships that honor and align with His will and purposes for their life.

If you are coaching, counseling, mentoring, or discipling others in your work or ministry, you may be interested in the tools and credentialing available through the International Christian Coaching Institute. www.iccicoaching.com

Do you ever look at the road ahead of you and anticipate weakness? You have a choice, and it can make all the difference.

One day, not so long ago, I was on my way home from Toronto . . .