God has a plan. I believe that because I have lived that.

 

I began writing Gracefully Frank detailing his plans (one million years – okay, 15 years – and 4 billion miles ago), not knowing how all of this would unfold. As I type these words, I’m sitting in seat 9F with the seatbelt sign on and Chandler Moore singing Lead Me On in my wired ear pods. The clouds are rocking us around, and I’m looking through the holes for signs of land below. This familiar feeling has me feeling writey. I do wonder, though, if it would be helpful for me to join the pilots in the cockpit?

 

One of those Milestone Years

This year was out of the ordinary. It gave me opportunities to look back on my ebenezers—those reminders in my own life of God’s faithfulness—and remember, while also taking a deep breath and doing some new things.

A few of those new things:

• I turned 50 to a sunrise at the Grand Canyon with my forever friends whom I love.
• I kept some pretty plants alive because I was home more to talk to them and keep them watered (some of them were still very dramatic and made the choice to not live under my care). This is why I don’t have pets.
• The Hope Together Conference sold out!
• I shared more thoughts and my heart and listened to the thoughts and hearts of others on Hope Talks. I think writing Gracefully Frank prepared me to talk hope with transparency.
• I shot a shot.
• I took a sabbatical by the ocean and experienced a deepening of friendships I prayed for and hold onto with all my heart. “K, guys?!?”
• My nephew has moved in with me for a little while as he gets settled in Texas. I love having space and a place for him. My brother referred to us as “the Dallas Scullys” and I like us being plural down here now.

All this and we haven’t even made it to Thanksgiving yet.

 

I think starting a new decade is a good time to take a deep breath and look ahead. But for me to do that well, I needed to look back. Looking back over these years of stepping out into these skies, I remember all that God has done—the wonderful and the heartbreaking, the vague and the clear, the sad and the joyful, the quiet and the loud, the chaotic and the peaceful. I can’t recall all of that without also remembering this: he is still guiding me today, and he will guide me through the days to come.

 

Holding My Breath Again

 

Almost 20 years ago, I left Tulsa holding my breath, hoping God had a plan and I wasn’t ruining my life. Based on my expectations and disappointments, there have been moments and seasons when I wondered if I had done exactly that. But the Lord has always brought the right people, the right yes’s, and the right no’s into my life at just the right moments to light the next step ahead of me. And it has been good. He is the God Who Sees me.

I needed to look back on his faithfulness this year because I realized I had started holding my breath again. Those closest to me know this, so I may as well say it out loud here. Somewhere in recent years, I took a deep breath and never released it—but not for the same reasons as before. 

This time, it wasn’t fear of the unknown. It was knowing the stakes. As pressures and even a few attacks mounted, I had let the joy of opportunity and calling become a stressful burden of responsibility that seeped discouragement into various lanes of my life. Honestly, I don’t always feel up to the task of managing all of my lanes, no matter how much I love them. And I very much do. Still, this year in particular had me feeling a bit burned out. Although that isn’t the best feeling, I think it was actually safe to finally feel this way and release some grips I was trying to hold. I know my identity. I know who holds tomorrow. I know ways to avoid burnout and exhaustion. I’ve counseled on it. And now, I’ve experienced it.

 

That nagging stress had put me a little on edge. I carried pressure I wasn’t meant to carry, and didn't even need to carry on my own. The pressure didn't come from lack around me, it came from within me. After years of building, traveling, saying yes’s and no’s, organizing, hoping, growing, laughing and crying, and always trying hard, I found myself kind of hunkered down. Can you relate?

 

At this point though, after all he’s done, I can’t be tempted to fear that God doesn’t have a plan. I know he does. But I can still be tempted to dread what his plan might ask of me—or to believe that somehow it’s all up to me to make it happen. The truth is: even though I haven't always liked his plans, I do love where he has led me. And I know it’s not by my strength that I am here. I'm so incredibly grateful. I don’t need to dread the plans, or do the heavy lifting. He’s got the whole world in his hands. He can manage mine. He is actually more than able.

 

I walk in faith, but sometimes I forget that I don’t have to carry the whole load while I’m doing it. 

Looking Back to Go Forward

 

So, this year in particular, (my first in my fifties), I found that sometimes to go forward we need to look back. People say not to look in the rearview mirror when you’re moving forward because you aren’t going that way. But with the Lord, sometimes looking back is exactly what helps us keep going. The road—or the skies—ahead may be unclear. Remembering who created me and what he has done, helps me reclaim who I am in light of who he is. That helps me take my hands off the wheel and, since I’m on a plane today, climb out of the cockpit. My version of putting my blinders on to “use the force” to trust and rest in him. It’s been a ride I didn’t know to ask for, and one I’m glad I didn’t miss.  

As my friend and I drove to the ocean for that summertime sabbatical, I made her listen to the song American Honey a few times on repeat. I never claimed to not be cheesy, and it was road-trip-playlist gold. That song is a little look-back reminder that I can sing loud in the car. I’m not so innocent, pure, and sweet at this point, but that whisper in the wind calling out my name like a long-lost friend hit home. I know that voice. Gone for so long now, I got to get back to her somehow . . . I love a good playlist.  I’m getting back to her because looking back has been good for me. 

Life didn’t change a lot this year, but it’s feeling like a fresh start.

Do you need one of those where you are?

Maybe start by looking back.

He works all things together. And as I recall that the Lord truly Is My Shepherd, my spirit is at rest. I pray looking back, helps you look forward, too.

As you remember where your strength comes from and all he has done, Psalm 23 is a good passage to hold onto. He is our Good Shepherd. 

. . . he refreshes my soul on paths of righteousness for his name’s sake . . .

 ______________________________

A Little Looking Back of Your Own

If you need a fresh start too, maybe sit with a few of these, when you have a minute to sit still. 

1. When you look back, where do you see God’s faithfulness—in the wonderful things and in the heartbreaking ones? What person, yes, or no comes to mind?

2. What’s making you hold your breath right now? Has something that once felt like joy or calling started to feel like a load you have to carry alone?

3. Where are you trying to take the wheel or fly the plane when your part might simply be to go for the ride? What would trusting him look like there?

4. What are you longing to reclaim—peace, joy, a friendship, a bit of yourself? What small step could you take toward that this week that might help you get back to who you were before the stress or disappointment or exhaustion?

5. What reminder from your own story can you carry into the days ahead, even if you can’t see the destination yet?