Today, what the Lord has been doing in my heart all week long, came together in one song.  What has been swirling around in my head, floated its way down to my heart, swelled up to my eyes, and fell down my face as this song was sung way out-loud at church this morning. The Little Drummer Boy.  Have you ever cried to Little Drummer Boy? I haven't. But I hadn't heard it quite like this before.  In that place of worship, this song became personal to me.  It's not just the little drummer boy that has a drum.  Think about the words. Put yourself in the drummer boy's place as you listen.


But, I never asked for this drum.

I worked in Dallas this week.  One day while we talked about where the Lord is at work, where He is leading us to join him...the conversation turned again to the only place my Dad has ever said "you're not going there," and meant it.   But, this week it looked like doors were opening up again for that to be on my itinerary this coming year.  My gut wrenched, and I got to again consider surrender.  Would I go? Do I mean it?  Am I in it for me?  Or for Him and for them, whose prayers He is responding to?  Would He respond to their prayers through us? Through me? There are thousands of reasons why that is a ridiculous thought in my understanding. But, what a gift that is, that He would answer their prayers through us.  Would I trade that gift? (this isn't the drum I ordered)  Do I love Him?  Or do I just want Him to love me, the way I want Him to love me.  Do I trust Him? "Go deeper..."  By bedtime that night I knew it would not be my "no" that would keep me from going there; and by the next morning, it looked as if the Lord was making it clear to others there are other viable options. But, He had my yes again. Patiently, he had my yes again. "pa rum pa pum pum."

But, I need a different drum.

The more I go, the less I'm home. The more life moves on without me and I can't get a grasp on where my place is.  I want Him to love me in a way that gives me a place that makes sense to me.  But, every time a place I have longed for, or concluded was His plan, falls away, He roots me deeper into Him.  My place, His answer, is beside Him. Faithfully, resting in Him. Trusting Him. Believing.  Not what I can see, but in what He has said.  Not what I thought He was doing, but in the truth that He is Lord of my life, and He has brought me exactly where He was leading.  I have tried to maintain location, be where I thought He wanted me to be, say yes, let go, be strong, be vulnerable, be patient, be obedient, learn more, do more, be more. Build my alter of sacrifice to Him just perfect, so that He will be pleased with me. But, its not my works that pleases Him...its my faith.  It's belief.  He has definitely been guiding, and blessing me because He is faithful and obedience does lead to blessing, but many times its not to where or what I think He is doing.  Was I wrong in my faith?  No. I am sometimes wrong in my conclusions though. Life is constantly a surprise, no matter how predictable I would like it to be.  A few weeks ago at church the Pastor shared the story of how Elijah trusted God so much that he poured water on the alter. (1 Kings 18)  He drenched everything around it to display God's glory when He rained down fire on an alter where no man could have even created a spark.  Friends, my alter is sopping wet. Any act of service I thought I could do to please him, any patience, any place I could go, it is all soaked.  No plans are certain. Only faith remains.  Letting go of plans/thoughts/understandings, trusting God, pouring water on the alter...leaves only faith.  Faith is my one little dusty drum. "pa rum pa pum pum."

You want to hear this drum. Just me, and my drum? What if you make me play this drum, and it is the only drum I'll ever have to play.  Will I still play for you? Even if its just you?  Shall I play for you?  When no one else can hear it; when I play it with weak knees and a hurting heart, do you still want me to play?  Shouldn't I be a better player, before you hear my drum?  Before you ask me to play for others?  Shouldn't I love this drum more?  I have been so ungrateful for this drum.  Aren't You mad at me?  Even when I have questions, doubt my drumming, and slip in prayers for a different drum...why do you keep wanting to hear this drum?

"Shall I play for you? (pa rum pum pum pum) Mary nodded...(pa rum pum pum pum)."

So I play for him.  'Me and my drum.  I'll play for you.  I'll play for you.  Forever.'  My drum is stretched and tuned by you, to Your ear, for Your pleasure, out of Your love for me. By faith I will play it for you. Wherever you want me to play it, I will play it for you, to honor you.

"I played my best for Him. (pa rum pum pum pum).  Then He smiled at me. (pa rum pum pum pum)...Me and my drum." 

Has your drum gotten dusty while you've been trying to do things, figure out things, build an alter, have been grieving, hoping, hurting, or have been distracted by things that sparkle and shine?  The drum is His gift to you.  Faith is what pleases Him. Without it, it is actually impossible to please Him.  So, pressure off, soak the alter, dust off your drum, and play it for him in whatever circumstances you face, and whatever condition it is in.  He is listening for the sound of your drum. He will take care of everything else.      

This has been my gift this Christmas.  This reminder, this freedom, this comfort, this joy. (pa rum pum pum pum.)