Gracefully Frank

It begins today. I’m going to begin sharing this India journey with you. Two weeks from today I will do my own proverbial version of jumping off the cliff, sky diving, trusting. It’s funny how I thought moving to Fort Worth would be my big leap in life. But, He keeps taking my breath away with new and further leaps. I’m so uninformed of the agenda! The more I try to figure the agenda out, the more anxious I get. The more anxious I get, the more I’m driven to seek Him. The more I seek Him, the less the agenda matters.

So, laying aside every weight (where is God leading? What is He doing in my life? Is He taking care of me? Will I stay in Texas? Will I move closer to home? Will I ever get married? Will I ever be a mother? And a whole host of other thoughts for family and friends that I would like to see him fix and heal), and laying aside every sin (I’m going to opt out of listing those), I am going to run with endurance the race that is set before me…looking to Jesus. (Heb. 12:1-2) He’s been softly and tenderly and silently letting me squirm and question and strive…all to bring me to let go again. Let Him lead again. Surrender is always so sweet with Him.  

Yesterday, I had to have my crying fit. I knew it was coming. Preparing for India, so outside of my pretty walls-painted-Evening-Stroll-blue box, is a little daunting to me. Daunting equals stress. Stress equals a moment of unabashed tears. My co-workers are so lucky. I didn’t go out into the lobby and tear my clothes or throw ash around, but I did the equivalent at my desk with a friend who is a blessing in my life. We talked about God’s silence. She pointed me to My Utmost For His Highest, October 11th. We talked about how the Holy Spirit is the One who will be at work in India, I just have to let go and let Him do it. Then I sat at my desk, praying for clarity and courage, the same prayer that first led me to Fort Worth. And it began to get clearer, and He is making me feel stronger. I really wish I was more classy and could report to you that with total coolness I am living this life of surrender to Him, but I am just kind of messy. I wrestle with where He has led, and where He is leading. I get insecure and awkward and unsure and angry (I’m Irish) and sad, and although I do not lose my resolve, although my faith continues to grow, I do sometimes lose a little heart when my frailty is exposed. But all of those answers of Who am I? keep turning back into Who is He? And the answer to Who is He?... Shuts my mouth. Restores my joy. Heals my wounds. Grows my love. Quiets my fears. Directs my footsteps. Washes me clean. Transforms my life. Sets me free. Still makes me cry though. I love Him, and love sometimes spills out of my eyes.

“All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we (I) are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We (I) implore you on behalf of Christ, to be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:18-21.

So after my fit yesterday, I got a lot of work done. Then I went home. Listened to Simon and Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits, one of my favs, had a fun conversation with someone I love talking to about ice cream and good news, cooked dinner, worked on my church home group study that I will go to again this weekend, read a couple of chapters of Love Does, and said goodnight to the day.

This morning on my way to work I accidentally hit shuffle-all music on my iPod as I hooked it up in the car. The first song was a Willie Nelson song from his album Stardust, another one of my favorites. So I left it on shuffle. As I drove, the next song that came on was Alanis Morissette’s “Thank You.” I have not actually listened to this song in years, and as I really listened to the lyrics I began to laugh…all the way to work. I don’t know what all these words to this song meant to her, but I know what they mean to me. There are so many words from yesterday in those lyrics. Like I’ve said before, we can explain things away all day long, or maybe that wasn’t a coincidence. Maybe He shuffled my iPod? Can He not do that? You could roll your eyes at that, or maybe you might listen for Him a little closer in your life. He’s kind of great. He is the God of the universe, and yet He, because He is Love, loves me...and takes care of me, from one degree of glory to the next. Ridiculous.

It ruins the mood to just type out the lyrics, but if you want to see them google it.  And if you have a second maybe listen for yourself.  You can click on the link below for a live version that may be more palatable than her video for most.  For the record, I'm not on any antibiotics.

Click here:  Thank You - Alanis Morissette

I had a couple of specific prayers on a recent Sunday morning: “Please Lord, don’t let me be awkward, and don’t let me be late.” Both tall orders. The good news is I wasn’t late. Here is another direct quote from my journal that morning before going to meet my coworker and his wife who had invited me to church with them: “Please, please don’t let today be a day where I experience exactly what I pray not to experience just so I learn something. Please just let today be ok, and don’t let me be awkward.” I can look at that prayer and smile now, but I was seer-ee-uhs when I wrote it. I usually don’t share so blatantly from my journal, but somehow I think I’m not the only one who has ever prayed that. If you have ever felt awkward, or if you have ever asked for mercy, then maybe you can relate. 
 
A little back story:  I try really hard to be self-sufficient. I can take care of my own business. I will drive myself. I don’t need help. I will turn down your offer to help, to go, to drive, to be apart of, because I can take care of myself. And I will take care of you, too.  But me needing help means I'm failing to take care of business. And of all the things I fail at, I need to not fail at taking care of business, because...(as a counselor I'm going to make myself finish that sentence to get to the heart of my own wrong belief)... because there is no one to take care of me. (That's not awkward to share, right?) As much as I talk about trusting God...  I never want to be an inconvenience or bother to anyone, not even Him.  Guess which lie the devil likes to use on me.  That's not sweet, it's more like stiff-necked with a hint of defiance.   Man do I get tired of realizing that so many times what I think of as a strength is actually a weakness steeped in unbelief and pride. (I can take care of myself = Pride.  I have to take care of myself = Unbelief.)  The verse God keeps laying in my life, and I keep laying in this blog, is 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  I have prayed this past year to have a better understanding of God's grace and sufficiency in my life, I didn't realize I was praying for a better understanding of my weaknesses.  I know now that one does not, could not, come without the other.  With that realization, He has begun laying a new verse in my life...I wonder where it will lead. I know in a few weeks, at least, it will lead to India where there is not even a hint of self-sufficiency available for me.

I definitely have friends and loved ones who override my self-sufficient objections and go out of their way for me.  I recognize and am so thankful for you.  I pray I am that kind of friend to you. I'm only gracefully franking this because maybe some of you have tried to be your own strong tower. I feel awkward letting people help me, invite me, do for me, or know that I am not self-sufficient. Which is not a surprise to anyone in the universe but me.  So when I try to be less sufficient...I'm awkward.  (Is vulnerable a better word? Talk amongst yourselves.) I'll risk the awkwardness of sharing if it helps you look for cracks in your walls in order to break them loose, instead of put in more mortar.  It feels good to break a little loose.  And, I have to share this even if it makes me uncomfortable, because my answer to Him is yes. Yes, I will tell people of your faithfulness and my awkwardness. Which leads me to that Sunday morning prayer...

A few weeks ago I went on two 8 hour road trips with co-workers (to Branson, MO and back). A lot of Mumford and Sons. (“If only my enemy were bigger than my apathy.” I still can’t get that line out of my head.) Some testimony. Some barbecue. A lot of highway. Conversations led me to share how it has been hard to plug into a church since being in Plano.  Not being a part of a church family has magnified feelings of separation.  It has been a long and alone time, which has been heightened by what we have been going through as a family.  If ever there were a time I wanted to be near my friends and family, it's been now.  If ever I have felt very far away from them it's been now.  I know I will look back on this time as precious time that the Lord broke me of yet another stronghold by His grace.  But let's just say I'm ready to look back on this time.  Thankful for it.  Wouldn't undo it. But, Mercy.

So I said yes to the invitation to go to church with my co-worker and his wife. Since I’ve told the Lord the answer would be yes this year, I couldn't overly reassure my friend that I was ok and then go back to being at church alone this weekend. I kind of had to say yes. Thankfully, and probably awkwardly. So I prayed to not be awkward, and I went. I was on time, at least to the parking lot.  I don't know if it is my new church home, but I am going to go back, and keep saying yes.  And my friends were very welcoming.  I did not feel awkward! Until the Pastor, Matt Chandler, said “We are going to talk about what Jesus says about sex and lust. It is about to get awkward in here.” I leaned up, thanked my new friends for inviting me, then sat back so we could all feel a little awkward together. Good times. God is funny.  He answered my prayer...mostly.  It was a great sermon, and so good to hear God’s truth unashamed. Matt’s enemy was bigger than his apathy or fear of awkward. God is good to us. And His ways are good for us. And I think He might have been watching my face when Matt actually used the word "awkward," God's well timed punch line for the day.   

A brief aside...
If you are already comfortable in church, it might be good to realize that for some of the rest of us it is exponentially easier to walk into church invited, than getting up the nerve to go in and sit by ourselves, even as couples. Don’t presume if they wanted to go they would ask you, or that they know they are always invited. Call them. Text them. E-mail them.  Don’t answer for them in your head. If they say no, ask them again some other time.  Keep asking.  (Did someone, some couple or some family come to mind when you read that sentence?)  And don’t judge or condemn people for not running to feel alone at church. Instead, invite them and be the hands and feet God uses to make them feel welcome. Like my co-worker and his wife.  Instead of just praying for me, they invited me.  And for those of us who are like me...keep going and keep praying. Invite someone to go with you, or go to the Sunday School/Small Group class to actually meet people. Go talk to the Pastor, or other church leader about where you could visit or serve to get plugged in.  Humble yourself and pray. God is faithful, and he loves you, and way beyond that...He is worthy to not be an inconvenience to me or you, or for us to be more concerned about feeling awkward than being a part of the fellowship.  That is a ridiculously huge understatement. I know it can be hard, even painful, but He is Jesus. The Messiah.  He understands hard and painful.  Perspective.  Don't sympathize with anything in your life that keeps you from obedience to Christ...said me to myself. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."   Hebrews 12:1-2