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Gracefully Frank

Don’t Assume

As a single adult in my late 40s serving in ministry, counseling, and coaching, I’ve had many opportunities to hear the stories, hearts, and relationship goals of unmarried individuals. Recent Pew Research shows 40% of Christian adults (aged 30-64) are single. Our responses to and contentment with being unmarried vary greatly. However, in many of our experiences, the perceptions of unmarried adults in this age range tend not to vary greatly. Especially in our local churches where a heartfelt focus is placed on families, those outside of this church-goer norm—married and having children—can feel awkward and out of place. A general perception is that there is something wrong with single people.

Are they broken? Are they weird? Have they gone through a tragedy?

The truth is probably yes. We all have weirdness and brokenness in our lives. We all have probably gone through hard things.

As you offer your skills and giftings as a friend, coach, or mentor to single people, here are a couple of assumptions to avoid:

Don’t assume there is a problem; there may be a purpose.

Don’t assume there is a purpose; there may be a problem.

Your best tool for discovering if they are single on purpose or because of a problem is to ask good questions. Listen to their story. Has pain or have broken relationships impacted their status? Has there been a calling or duty in their life that has prevented them from marrying or led them in a different direction than marriage?

Don’t assume their relationship solution.

Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”

Not every adult is made to climb a tree—some of us swim. Don’t assume God’s solution. Don’t make the mistake of thinking marriage is the goal. Marriage is a blessing; discipleship is the goal.


Adopt Principles

These assumptions are not meant to bring condemnation on those of you who have said these things to singles. I believe people mean well and they really want to encourage with their words. However, if you are in a position to minister to or care for singles, you may want to consider adjusting your delivery and comments with compassion and understanding as you desire to build trust and rapport with those you serve. It’s not up to them just to “know what you meant to say” or “not be so sensitive.” If caring for, coaching, or loving the single people in your life is important to you, then these principles should be standards.

Don’t use clichés or trite comments in reference to their dissatisfaction with singleness.
Jesus was single. Paul said singleness is a gift.

If I had a dime . . . These are true statements. Jesus was single. He was/is also God. Impersonalized Biblical example encouragements are more likely to deflate than encourage. These statements imply that not only are they single, but they are also failing to be like Jesus or live up to Paul’s exhortation. Instead, ask them if they have found encouragement in Jesus’ example or in some of Paul’s statements on singleness. Let them unpack their position with you instead of you placing an expectation on them.

Don’t shame their emotions.
Here are four things I’ve heard said to me and to others that are meant to be an encouragement, yet often feel more like an admonishment.

1)     If you just have faith, God will bring you your mate.
Singleness is not a punishment for lack of faith. Tying their circumstances or dissatisfaction in their singleness to a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity sets them up to think that God is holding out on them until they believe more or better.  Marriage involves two people and multiple factors. One person’s faith does not manifest a two-person union. One person’s faith can impact their openness to receive and grow in new relationships. Focus on encouraging faith in God’s goodness as they seek His will and plan for their life.

2)     God’s timing is perfect. Maybe you or your mate just aren’t ready yet.
No one is perfect, but hopefully all believers are learning and growing. Implying that single adults need to reach some level of readiness or holiness before God will lead them to marriage may cause them to be hard on themselves or, believe that God is being hard on them. It also implies all the married people were somehow perfectly ready for their mate, despite their flaws and sinful habits.

3)     You are never really alone.
There are times when single people will walk alone. I recently drove nearly five hours to be with my family as we laid my grandmother to rest. I know the Lord was with me, yet He didn’t drive the car while I cried. He didn’t physically hold my hand during the service. I’m so thankful for His Word, and the Spirit, and worship music, and for friends and family who encourage me. Still, I had to walk out some of that time by myself—not spiritually alone, but physically, and in my grief, emotionally alone. Being alone is not a sin. Feeling that pain is not disrespectful to a relationship with Christ. Don’t twist the practical pains that may come with singleness and make them spiritual deficits.

4)      As soon as you are content in your singleness, God will send you your mate.
Where in Scripture does God say if you will just get content in your greatest pain, then He will change it? Just get content where you don’t want to be, then He will move you? Get content in your illness, then He will heal you? God does tell us to praise Him in the storm, but he doesn't say we have to like the storm. Praise reminds us of who He is and where our help comes from, but he doesn't require we get content in the struggle. His goodness and blessing isn’t dependent on our contentment. However, our contentment is very much tied to our trust in Him. There are times when we grow to trust the Lord in circumstances to a point where we relax and, in a way, get out of our own way. Contentment unlocks our own closed doors, not God’s.


Don’t Take God’s Word Out of Context

This principle is probably the one that has been of greatest importance in my life and understanding of my singleness. For example: Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse is just one of many often said to people who are waiting on the Lord in various seasons of life. It is particularly used with singles who “desire” to be married.

Taking the liberty of applying scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs. As a transparent example from my life, I very much desired to have children. It is the great pain of my life and challenge to my joy that my path has not led to being a mother. My story is too long to tell here, yet ultimately, alongside this disappointment, I also very much delight myself in the Lord. My trust in Him grows, and my steps for Him are determined. And yet, there are “desires of my heart” He has not led me to fulfill. I had to wrestle with this verse, which has been spoken to me many times regarding marriage and having children, to align my experiences with what felt like contradictions to His Word. This verse does not promise marriage. Claiming this verse did not compel God to adhere to people’s application of it. The sincerity of people reassuring me that someday I would have children because that was my heart’s desire put a false hope in me that, for a time, damaged my faith in God’s goodness. Don’t set them up to doubt His faithfulness in your effort to grow hope where He may not intend for it to grow. Don’t promise them what He hasn’t.


First Steps

Especially as we coach, counsel, and mentor single people, we should not encourage them through their singleness and into new relationships without addressing their current relationships and considering the necessary skillsets that may need to be tuned or even acquired. Where are their successes? What attributes make them a success? What are their strengths in those relationships? What are their weaknesses? Help them grow in successful building and maintaining in the relationships they already have. As they align to what He has already given them—and seek His purposes for their life—the relationships they enter will have a better chance of developing from a place of health and freedom, not from need and dependence.

I came to a point in my life where I said, “Okay, God. You have not called me to be a wife or a mother. So, who am I? Who did you create me to be?” As I personally aligned myself to prioritize the relationships and goals God clearly ordained for me (follow Christ, love and honor my parents, be a good aunt, friend, coworker, etc.), that is when I began to really see God’s purpose and calling in my life. I began reaching for the goals He showed me. So far, that has not led to a husband and it did not lead to bearing children, but my contentment is in knowing I sought the Lord for His plan, and I am convinced of His goodness in it. To be honest, this contentment doesn’t always relieve the grief that comes with hopes deferred. However, the fulfillment I have in knowing that I am exactly where He has called me to be gives me incredible empowerment, peace, and even joy. Encourage your friends to align to God’s will in their existing relationships and seek Him for their next steps.

Don't assume God's solution. 

Adopt principles that respect single people and His purposes for them. 

Lead them to His Word in context.

Help them align to what God has given them and allow Him to determine their path forward. 

We may want God to honor the relationship we think they need, but they will be the most fulfilled when they prioritize and seek the relationships that honor and align with His will and purposes for their life.

If you are coaching, counseling, mentoring, or discipling others in your work or ministry, you may be interested in the tools and credentialing available through the International Christian Coaching Institute. www.iccicoaching.com







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Do your own words ever come back to bite you? These don’t actually bite, but they are gracious reminders to not go backwards when I’m tempted. This is a lesson I learned a while ago, and now have the opportunity to recall and be strengthened by in this season. Ebenezer words, if you will. In my corner of the world and work there is a lot going on in anticipation of some good things coming. Sometimes I can borrow trouble from tomorrow thinking it’s going to be too big a bite to chew. In other words, I can be prone to anticipate weakness from time to time. But then, my own past lesson-learned and encouragement comes nipping at my heels. Maybe these words would nip at you this week, hopefully in a good way.

Do you ever look at the road ahead of you and anticipate weakness? You have a choice, and it can make all the difference.

One day, not so long ago, I was on my way home from Toronto . . .

I'm in the Toronto airport with cry eyes. Stress falls out my eyes you guys. Several different emotions tend to do that. It has been a really wonderful few days here with our partner, her husband, and her staff and volunteers. We have learned so much about their global ministry where they are making an amazing impact. I am humbled and emotional and thankful God has allowed me to be a part of this. This morning we went to church with our sweet friends, where the only word I understood was the name "Jesu." That name I could hear loud and clear.

As we drove toward the airport, we began receiving multiple e-mails from the airline that has promised to take us home, that our flight is delayed. First one hour, then another, then another, then another. I calmly told my co-worker, "I am going to cry, and I don't want to talk about it." I'm at the point of the trip where I don't want to talk anymore. I don’t even want to listen. Just let me cry for a minute, because I’m emotional and discouraged that our flight is delayed. I’m anticipating weakness when we get in so late, and I don't like feeling weak. The later our departure time, the later our arrival time, the later I start my drive from DFW back to OKC. As it stands now, it will be very well after midnight before I get back to my apartment and lug my junk back up to my bedroom.

So, I began to cry a little as the stress of anticipating weakness began to creep in on me. I'm going to get in late, I'm going to have a long drive, I'm by myself, I’m tired, and honestly, I don't want to do any of that! I am anticipating struggle and frustration that will probably end in me having to pull over in a ditch somewhere too tired to go on and needing to hunker down and pray for daylight. Or, being out on the road this late, I’ll stop at a creepy gas station with blinking lights and crickets everywhere, and then next week the video footage of me walking in but never leaving will be on the nightly news. Not that that could happen since I’ve attended two Krav Maga self-defense classes, but my imagination can run away with me when I start feeling weak. As I caught myself going through the worst-case scenarios just now, I suddenly thought "why don't I anticipate strength?" Why don't I anticipate that I'm going to have exactly the strength I need to get where I'm going? Why don't I anticipate that the road will rise beneath me? Why don't I anticipate that I will stop at a well-lit place for gas and get a great cup of coffee and turn on some of my favorite songs and knock out that drive as if I were headed to Barnsdall on a Saturday morning circa 1985 with my Dad behind the wheel?

Why don't I anticipate strength? How many scriptures do I need to read and believe before I anticipate His help and strength first? How many times can I encourage others to anticipate strength and still melt when I am faced with needing it, or at least try to politely check out of all encouragement and wallow a little bit. (Dear world, I'm going to have a mental pity party. So, as you see me sit over here and cry just leave me alone a little bit.) He will supply all my needs. He is my strength. He will complete what He has started. He loves me and is with me. Whatever weakness I assume I will have once I land back in Dallas is a made-up story in my head because I’m not even there yet. It's not unreasonable to anticipate it may not be the easiest thing I've ever done, or that I will be tired, but to sit here in Canada crying about it is feeling more and more silly each time my finger falls on one of the letters of this keyboard. I will have the strength I need. To get home. To get my work done. To go to Africa in two weeks. A trip that I have not even been able to think about this week but is now loading up on my already tired emotions. As I anticipate weakness later tonight, all anticipated weakness for the next 6 months to a year starts to flood my thoughts. But, again, I have a choice: anticipate weakness or anticipate strength. The one I choose will drastically affect my decisions, my mood, my peace, my joy, and the people in my life. I can stand on a promise tonight and drive home in grace or give in to doubt and drive home in misery. Either way, I'm driving to Oklahoma City. Choose wisely. Whether I anticipate strength or weakness, I’ll have it. His grace will be sufficient for me. 

Is there some circumstance in your life where you are anticipating weakness? Are you getting under the table and hiding from it? Are you moving forward, but with dread? If I get under the table today, I won't get home. What might you miss if you anticipate weakness instead of being confident that God will give you the strength to get you home? Get you healthy? Get you free? Get you the blessing? Anticipate strength and go forward in grace. Even when the road is long and dark tonight, I will have the strength to get on down it, and at the end of that road is right where I want to be.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Psalm 46:1-5
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.



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I have been egregious in drawing conclusions multiple times. If you google the word egregious you get definitions like "outstandingly bad" and "extraordinary in some bad way." Not like mean bad, just super wrong. It’s usually centered on me trying to figure out what God was doing or what someone else was doing. I’ve definitely had my share of times when I was right (I want to type out loud for the record), but I've also been wrong on everything from ideas to relationships to jobs. Those seem to be the times I learn the most. 

Here is a short step-by-step example of how I have sometimes drawn conclusions: 

1) I prayed for something.
 
2) Something happened that maybe kind of looked like what I was praying for under the right light. 

3) I drew a conclusion, or assumed I understood what God is doing and my actions begin to be motivated by the conclusion I drew. “I smell what you are cooking, God. Let me go ahead triple the cumin and add some Head Country barbeque sauce (because, Ponca City), and I’ll take it from here.” 

Then, as I began to focus on them, or that, or whatever situation I assumed, I began taking a few of my own steps trying to help the situation along, instead of waiting on the Lord to create the path, answer my prayer, or lead me to His purposes. 

There have been times that I have been both overly romantic and overly pragmatic because I assumed what God was doing. In the whole history of Haley, I’ve done everything from practice writing my new last name based on relationship assumptions I’ve made, to sending out resumes and emails trying to get myself in jobs or meetings where I thought I should be. In hindsight, sometimes and so far, my assumptions about certain people, places, or things were not right and they didn’t lead to where I thought God was leading. Honestly, many times I would feel a little check in my spirit when I started to get ahead of myself, but I convinced myself I was being wise. In those times past, I just stepped right on over that little check. Although I am still tempted, I do less crack stepping over now, because I’ve learned a couple of things. 

Here are a couple of things I've learned: 

- If God is in it, I can wait for it because it's coming. Whether it's writing a book, His provision, relationships, jobs, apartments, a church home, etc. it's "yes" and "amen" when God is in it. It seems none of these ever come in my timing, but they do come in His as I just keep doing the next right thing. He doesn’t need my help, He just wants my “yes” and my trust. 

- If it's not coming, God is still in it. I may just not be headed where I assumed He was taking me or the timing may be off. Maybe He was refining my heart, teaching me to love unconditionally, trust Him completely, or allowing me to be part of a moment of refining for someone else? Our journey is personal, but parts of it He may entrust us to a situation or circumstance for someone else. The fix is to stop assuming His answer, and start trusting his heart. It relieves so much pressure to know God has led and is leading me, and that I don’t have to figure it all out in advance. Even though I WANT TO really bad. His plans aren’t dependent on me catching the coincidences or clues, they are just dependent on staying with Him. 

It's so easy to see a squirrel and start chasing rabbits. If we allow it, those coincidences and conclusions become not only our motivation to act, but they become our justification to believe or not believe. Our belief in God, or trust in Him, gets wrapped up and contingent on how we assumed He would move in the situation when our desires lead our assumptions. But, what happens when we are wrong? Even egregiously wrong. When we assume what God is doing, and we assume incorrectly, our belief that God IS doing can be shaken or even destroyed. Assuming incorrectly isn’t a sin. It just can lead to disappointment and disillusionment that we shouldn’t have to walk through. Just like assumptions and unmet expectations can harm any relationship, they harm our relationship with the Lord. 

It's good and well to walk steps out when something pops up, seems of interest, or seems like too much to just be a coincidence. God does stuff like that. He has done stuff like that in my life several times. ("816" being a significant one for me if you've read what I've shared before.) But when we laser lock our focus and we decide prematurely that we know what God is doing, we are in danger of testing God not trusting him. We should take those moments and coincidences and make ourselves available to the person, place, or situation and see what comes through … it’s called living life. Psalm 46:10 says: “Be still and know that I am God.” Not be still and do nothing. Keep doing. Just be authentic and trust God with the outcomes. We don't have to manipulate circumstances when God is in it. Every “yes” and every “no” gets us where we are supposed to go. Don’t demand one or be crushed by the other. (I like to say "we" a lot when I write because it makes me feel like there are a lot of us that have done this stuff and not just me.) 

There is a difference in walking in faith and walking around being tossed about by coincidences and drawing conclusions that we start to try to build a foundation on. Faith has a foundation – the goodness of God. If coincidences are evidence of what God is doing, then someday you can look back on those things as confirmation and share your story of how God lit your path. Just be careful to not allow them to become your motivation focus until God has revealed enough of the path for you see where its going. You could be egregiously wrong and your relationship with him suffer a blow that your heart has to wrap around. Be motivated by your belief that God is faithful and He is at work in your life. Walk relationships and opportunities out and see where they go. Live the life He's given you. Just don’t force your own path based on assumptions and coincidences that could lead to regrets. Trust Him for your future, so when the time comes, you can praise Him for your past.



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