Gracefully Frank: 2013

It’s a snow day, or actually an ice day here in Plano. There are little icicles hanging off of my balcony, little lights shining on my little Christmas tree, and a little gumbo cooking in my crockpot. Do you guys crock pot? I’m a crock-potter. I’m tracking a Christmas present that is out for delivery with UPS. I’m drinking a second cup of coffee with a little splash of vanilla and cinnamon, sitting in my pajamas. The dryer is going, the heat is on, I’ve got White Christmas and Elf to watch along with a couple of more 2nd season episodes of Dr. Who. Jordi and Birdie like to geek out over Dr. Who and convinced me that I need to check it out because of the very serious look on their faces when they talk about how uh-mazing it is and which Dr. is their favorite. I’ve switched from my Christmas music playlist to my Pride and Prejudice playlist that I like to listen to while writing; and have now sat down to step into my Gracefully Frank shoes that I haven’t worn in a while. Life has gotten busy. Graciously and beautifully busy.

I mentioned previously that I have changed jobs; still with the same ministry, but with a different set of daily goals to accomplish. I saw my last face-to-face client this past week (bittersweet sigh), and for the time being won’t be seeing more clients. That also means I won't be working on my counseling hours toward my LPC licensure. That was not the original thought when I switched into this new role, but a series of factors led to the decision. The primary being a lot of prayer and wrestling (not wearing-a singlet-wrestling, Lady Birds don’t do that) But, just wrestling with the decision and ramifications of it. “This is why I went to Seminary.” “This is my calling.” “This has been my goal for nearly 6 years.” Here is what this lesson has shown me again over these last couple of months…I went to Seminary to follow Christ. My calling is to say yes to him and glorify him in all I do. My goal is to honor him, and not miss out on even a second of His will, because that is my purpose in life. LPC, or even counseling are not my goal. They are just the steps in the direction of the goal that I press on toward. If I were to dig my heals in and demand that my understanding of the “goal” not change, or not be delayed, then I put something else on the throne in my life. I lean on my own understanding. When I keep him on the throne...things change around a lot in my storyline. It's not instability, which is the deception I could believe. When I believe God and his Word, I have to believe it's the Plan. The one He's known He's had for me. Jeremiah 29:11. I’m finding I like the changes. I like the love I find there. The relationships that grow, the adventures I never considered, the freedom, the joy, the trust, the grace toward me and that flows through me like never before. He is good, and every painful moment of brokenness I've experienced...I've come to realize is only the pain of chains that have bound me finally falling off me. Stepping into the Light, after being in the dark makes your eyes burn at first…but keep stepping...the view gets lovely.

I know the names of the countries He is leading me to next year, even though I still have no idea what tomorrow holds…but only that I trust with every ounce of my being that He holds tomorrow, and He’ll show me what I need to know when I need to know it. I know I’ve repeated that before, but it’s worth being reminded of. He is my Provider, Shelter and Shield who does not put me to shame when my hope is in him. I am beyond thankful that I am not who I was. If I had demanded that the plan I thought of as my goal not change, then struggle would be the result. I’m not afraid to struggle, but I want it to be because of faithfulness, not stubbornness. He may open doors back up to finish my counseling hours, I’m halfway there. If he does, I’ll say yes. Seek first the kingdom of God, and allow the change of plans. They are for your good. For my good. For His glory. Hold on loosely friends…but don’t let go. If you cling too tightly, you’re gonna lose control. Thank you .38 Special…for that timely message.

Is there something you are demanding, but maybe He is trying to change the plans a little or a lot? Pray Psalm 139. Sit still (oh the number of times I was told that as a child). Seek Him. Let Him lead. Then say yes. And enjoy being in His will instead of fighting it.

My Bible has the theme of Psalm 139 as "God is all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful, and everywhere present. God knows us, God is with us, and his greatest gift is to allow us to know him. Here is The Message version of Psalm 139:

A David Psalm

139 ^1-6God, investigate my life;
    get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
    even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
    I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
    before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
    then up ahead and you’re there, too—
    your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
    I can’t take it all in!

^7-12Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
    to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
    If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
    to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute—
    you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
    At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
    night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

^13-16Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
    I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
    you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
    before I’d even lived one day.

^17-22Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
    God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them—
    any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
    And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
    all the men and women who belittle you, God,
    infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
    see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
    Your enemies are my enemies!

^23-24Investigate my life, O God,
    find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
    get a clear picture of what I’m about;
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong—
    then guide me on the road to eternal life.

God knew this stage of my life before I got here. He sculpted me. He knew my today, and knows my tomorrow, knows my next week in Colorado, or my next month on the other side of the world. Mine is just to say either "no" or "yes" to him. He also apparently sculpted me to type with my pinkies pointing up instead of down even from the beginning. He knew me now, even then. The plans, the days, the no's, the yes's. Working all things for my good, for His glory.

Enjoy your snow day!

1 comments

I watched a lot of Sri Lanka pass from view from the front seat of a rented van. We walked from the plane to the van, and then rode the first of many, many hours we would spend in that van. When we arrived at our first destination I was really ready to be still, and really thankful the 41 hours that had passed since we left Dallas had been successfully navigated.

My room for the night had air-conditioning, a pink mosquito net over my bed, a few geckos and good pillows. I slept with the lights on, and only sporadically, but woke up ready for the next road trip to attend a grand opening of a Hope Center. It was such a blessing to see the hard work, and excitement in the faces of our friends there as they are giving their all to bring Hope and help to their community. Help with the anger, fear and frustration they’ve lived with for so many years. As we left that day, I realized there was a song running through my mind. I knew it was a Mumford & Sons song, but I didn’t recognize which one. I didn’t know the words, but I could hear the slow melody over and over.

I finally plugged in my ear phones, only in my left ear so I wasn’t rude to my friends, and I started searching through Babel to find the song. I didn’t find it. So I went to Sign No More, and finally, when the last song on the album began to play the melody running through my mind began to play. For the entire week, I listened to this song on repeat. Over and over. I wrote the words down in my journal as I rode to and from 5 more Hope Centers from the north to the south. I watched and listened. God speaks any way he wants to... we just have to be listening.

"After The Storm"

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

The van would occasionally stop. We would occasionally get out. Walk into another Hope Center, or walk into the next Hotel, or into the home of our friends where a meal had been prepared for us. And, we would have another opportunity to listen.

As I listened to the testimony, of people I have begun to love, I heard them tell of running from camp where bombs rained down, and how they cried out to God to save them and the children they carried…and He did, this song ran through my mind. "On my knees, and out of luck…I look up."

When I tried to understand the reality of the “hill” they have gotten over, and saw what they have found: "grace in their hearts," this song ran through my mind.

As they would line up for pictures and prayer together, they stood tall, side by side, purposeful, hopeful…and this song ran through my mind.

As I heard of how afraid they were, how broken hearted they had been, how hopeless; contrasted to the smiles, purpose and love the Hope Center staff were pouring out because God has poured it into them, this song ran through my mind. “And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears, and Love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.” "We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love., 1 John 4:16-18

Love dismisses fears, and "night has always pushed up day." A couple of things I was tragically and beautifully reminded of in Sri Lanka. Same thing He's done for me, same thing He'll do for you after your storm...out of luck...look up.

Here are some pictures, both out of the window, and out of the van. Maybe you would like to listen to the song as you look at the pictures. I like to. Click Here To Listen To "After The Storm".

Song Credits: Writer(s): Edward James Milton Dwane, Marcus Oliver Johnstone Mumford, Benjamin Walter David Lovett, Winston Aubrey Aladar Marshall
Copyright: Universal Music Publishing Ltd.

Photo Credit: The Man on the Elephant in Parade. My boss took that one. :)

I'm going to try and not mention Mumford & Sons in my next blog. But, I can't promise anything.

No comments

I’m listening to Timshel as I begin to write this. Still basking a little in the memory of listening to Mumford & Sons sing this song, and all of my other favorites, live on Saturday night. Standing again by friends I love to stand by, and I love to have stand by me. We weren’t the only ones there, or the only ones who knew every word. I’ve never been a big concert goer; crowded, hot, loud, expensive and maybe I didn’t care about the music as much (Sorry George Strait) …but Saturday night was a little mini-revolution for me. I gave into the heat, the sweat, the crowd, the noise. I shucked unnecessary inhibitions I’ve probably always put on myself, and I kind of sang and danced my guts out. I love that music. And it was awesome. I don’t know if it was the red dirt, or my singing, but it’s been 3 days now and I’m still hoarse. It’s so fun to think through the M&S lyrics and pick out what they might mean. I like to listen to Timshel, well anytime, but especially before I leave for a trip. I listened to it a lot before India. Saturday night I heard them sing it live, before I left for Sri Lanka this morning. It’s a great reminder, and especially meaningful considering the meaning of the word Timshel.

Me and my niece Jordan. She was there with some friends, too.

When they went acoustic I almost lost my mind. They were great.

Aisle seat 23 C is where I sit to ride across the sky to Dubai. I know I don’t have to be sitting in a window seat for God to be able to see me and remember we’re flying today. And, I don’t have to be sitting there to see Him. I like to though. I love looking at the land, clouds, and ocean we fly over. That’s an awesome show, too. The first movie I watched was To Kill A Mockingbird. It had been years since I had seen it. I didn’t really remember how it all wound up. The scene where the jury finds Tom Robinson guilty, and after the lower section of the courtroom clears the old preacher says “Stand up Scout, you’re Daddy’s passing by.” I cried. Man it’s really a good movie, from beginning to end good. Then I watched The Great Gatsby. Eh. Then I watched Monsters U. Not as good as the first. Then I watched The Quartet. Ok. And that concludes my inflight movie reviews. I’ve got 26 more hours’ worth of flying before this trip is over, so I may mention a few others.

I’m in my hotel room in Dubai now. I took a 3 hour nap, then went down to buy another $6 USD coffee. I hate that so much, but I really wanted coffee. I slept probably 3 hours total on the flight, during a couple of different naps. It’s 6:00pm Dubai time, but my body and mind are saying "it’s 9:00 am and you have not had the amount of sleep you were supposed to have." Somehow it all works out though. This coffee helps. I’m getting ready to shower up, and meet my co-workers Phil and Jack for dinner at 10:00pm before our midnight flight to Colombo. When we get to Sri Lanka we’ll jump in a van and head north for a most of the day road trip. One fun new development in my life is car sickness. I’ve got Dramamine and those little acupuncture wrist thingys my friend told me about, and a couple of Wal-Mart sacks stuffed in my carryon. I hope I’m not more trouble than I’m worth…they may have to let me drive. ;)

There are many aspects of these trips; everything that goes into them, and everything God is doing through them. Thanks for following this very personal aspect of all that God is doing for me in them. He is setting me free of fear and unnecessary inhibitions, one song, one concert, one trip at a time. And all I know to do is share it, share Him, share the story. He is faithful. Paul prayed this for the Thessalonians, and I’ve had it on a little notecard stuck in my keyboard for well over a year. It's my prayer as I begin this new work: “…that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” Amen, and yes, Paul. 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12. I pray God make me worthy, and fulfills through His power every work prompted by the faith he keeps increasing in me. I love how that works.

I’ve got a postcard to write now. I had a request for them. Turns out the same place that charges $6 USD for a cup of coffee, only charges $2 for the postcard and stamp to mail all the way back to America. I never even thought to consider postcards from other countries before. The world seemed so huge that how could one ever anticipate a little postcard making it all the way from here, to all the way there? But, apparently just because something seems far away, doesn’t mean it is. We’ll see.

So, just as I finished typing the last word...Timshel came on again. Timing is fun to take note of. I was just going to end it with "we'll see." But, it's come on again, so let's look at Timshel for a second. And, let me go ahead and name this post...

Here is a great version of this song. Click here and you get to hear it live too. Munford & Sons -Timshel

I had never heard the word Timshel before this song. So if you hadn't either, let me share a little bit about it. Post Google Definition of Timshel (There are probably more scholarly sources, but I just copied and pasted one that was pretty direct): "Timshel is an interpretation of the Hebrew word that means 'thou mayest.' It is a brief explanation of the philosophical notion of Free Will." Free Will. "Thou mayest" choose..." We may choose God, or choose not God. We may choose to believe, or choose not to believe. We may choose faith, or choose only what we see with our eyes. We may choose fear, or choose to stand firm (or say yes, or fly, or...). Our choice does not change truth, it only changes our consequences. Timshel. I love this music. I love this freedom. I love this Choice.

No comments

(Sometimes as we look at where we are today, it's good to remember where we once were so we can celebrate and report on God's faithfulness. I can tell you he is faithful, because of personal experience of times he called me into a wilderness of unknowns and led me to his promise. I first wrote this post on September 3, 2013 soon after I was offered my role in international ministry. God was gracious to confirm the decision so that I had complete confidence in him, even when my confidence in myself wasn't so sure.)

I sat down to write about what is going on and it fell out like this. The numbers are links for you to click on...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who never dreamed of going anywhere. She liked where she was. She didn’t like everything about where she was, but she certainly didn’t want to be anywhere else. She had grown up believing in the King who had come to save her 1, and she tried her best to honor him. But one day, when she hadn't been paying much attention to him at all, and was actually right in the middle of denying him 2, he began calling to her 3. She had believed in him before, but this time she chose to follow him with her whole heart. He asked her to come away with him, so she went 4. While there, he showed her that he was the King of Everywhere 5. She thought she had known that all along, but she realized she wasn’t really going the way she should go, if that was what she truly believed 6. He showed her that there was nowhere she could ever go where he wasn’t there, waiting on her 7. And that he had loved her and had taken care of her all along, because He had plans for her 8. He became her shelter and protector 9. Sometimes he led her through a wilderness to humble and test her, and provided her manna when there was nothing else 10. He would send her rain when she prayed for it 11. He would make his face to shine upon her 12. He counted her tears and comforted her when news of loved ones from home made her cry 13. He strengthened her, dealt bountifully with her and gave her rest 14, 15. When she lifted her eyes to the hills she could always see him there 16. In the morning he reminded her that he loved her, and told her the way she should go because she trusted him 17. Where he went, she went. His people were her people 18. If she had been longing to return to the land from which she had come, she could have gone. But, she stayed with him in the new land and he was proud of her 19. When she told him her foot was slipping he supported her; and when her anxiety was great, he consoled her and gave her joy 20. When she put her hope in him, he taught her the paths she should take and her heart was not sick 21, 22. When there were giants he gave her stones to sling 23. When there were words to be said he placed them on her tongue 24. When there were journeys to take he lit her path by day and by night 25. He did all of this because she was weak, but he was strong 26. He saved her, quieted her and sang over her 27. He gave her a new heart and courage 28, 29. Then he led her on a new path, lighting the way as he smoothed the road ahead of her 30.

That is who Jesus is.

Through God’s word we come to know his character. Each of the verses used through this story are written on little cards on my desk. I’ve leaned on them to remind me of who God is, when all I can feel is who I am not. The Bible tells the literal stories of Israel and Jesus Christ, to teach us who God is, and who we are. He wants us to know Him. He wants us to trust Him when He tells us He has a plan for us, and to go where He sends us.

Which next week, will be back to Sri Lanka. Last month I accepted a new position at Hope For The Heart in our International Department. Guess what that means. A big part will be travel. Which if you read this blog, you know is not my strong suit. My literal job now is to daily accept that His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. To daily call out to him, and have to trust him beyond my own perceived strengths. What an uncomfortable and perfect gift. “What are you the worst at Haley?” “Fear.” “Well, let’s do that then. My love will cast it out. And I’m going to prove myself to you and through you. You can say no. You can always say no and run your own show, you did it that way for a long time. I'll bless you. You'll have some of what you want, and some of what I'll allow to shape you into who I created you to be...but, as Creator of all heavens and earth...my plans for you will be better. And, you can start today. I heard you cry out for me. I'm here. I've always been here. I know it doesn't look like you thought. I know your concerns, Haley. So, is it a yes, or a no?" "It's a yes." "Ok, then. I will equip you. I am making you new. You are not who you were, so quit telling yourself you are." (this is a condensed representation, not recreation, of an ongoing conversation in my faith walk with God.)

Since the beginning of the year I have felt confident that things were changing. I have believed and shared with friends that I felt by this Fall I would have some clarity on a new direction. I’ve had a few thoughts on what those changes might be (I always do, and thanks to those who listened to me dream and pursue and wonder). I’ve taken some steps, done what I believe God has shown me to do in regards to those things and trust him with all outcomes. Love unconditionally. Reach out when He shows me. Say yes when he prompts me. Go where He sends me. Stay loose, hopeful and sure in Him only. Months ago I noticed I was consistently catching the time "8:16" either AM or PM on my phone, microwave clock, clocks at work, clocks on computers. At first I thought I was just realizing that I noticed it more because it is mom and dad’s address is 816 and they had just put their house on the market. So it was just registering to me. But, it kept going, to the point that it was getting comical. Like on Evan Almighty and Gen 6:14, I was seeing 8:16 constantly. So, I looked up all the books in the Bible that have a chapter 8, verse 16 and one pierced my heart. Deuteronomy 8:16, “He who fed you in the wilderness with manna that your fathers did not know, that he might humble you and test you, to do you good in the end.” I can’t really explain all the ways that verse is a direct hit for me. Manna has been a big part of my life, taking on many forms, since going back to school. Humbling and testing…let me count the ways (even today.) But, the line ”to do you good in the end." That was a promise God gave me before I left Tulsa, one particularly difficult day as I was grappling with the plans He was showing me to leave there and go to Seminary. He does me good daily, but I knew when I left Tulsa and when I read this verse again for the first time earlier this summer, that God was up to something specific. I shared this 8:16 business with a few friends and a few of my family members earlier this summer and we have laughed about what it might mean beyond knowing God was encouraging me with Deuteronomy 8:16.

When I was first approached about this new job, I was so surprised at the option of it, and honestly I wasn’t really sure. My heart was still in a couple of directions that I had been feeling God opening me to. One direction, was back to Oklahoma. But, as July drew to a close, I began to believe God may be leading me to stay right where I was. Deep breath. He was calling me to this plan in particular through others, through His word and through the Holy Spirit. The time frame was unknown. I went from hearing, “Maybe, January,” to “Things seem to be moving fast.” All of a sudden, after a couple of weeks of not hearing anything, on a Thursday I got a meeting request e-mail asking if I could meet with my new boss and our HR director the next day, Friday, 8-16-13. I was offered this new position on 816. They had no idea the significance of the numbers. But, I did. I hadn’t specifically asked for a fleece moment, but God is so gracious and responds to our needs so personally. I’m thankful he had been preparing me to be confident in this direction for months. This is His plan. And as I’m learning…His plans are better than mine. His timing is better than mine. He will do what He says He will do. And all we have to do is say “yes.”

He is faithful and trustworthy, and fun. Have you truly sought him for His plans for you? His plans for you in the next conversation you will have, decision you will make, prayer you will utter? He loves you. He's been there all along, and when you call on Him, he will come running. It may not look like you ask, or it may look exactly like you ask. His plans for all of us are tailored to us. My story won't be yours. But, God's character and faithfulness to you will be the same for all of us who come to Him through following the King. King Jesus. What is your story? Maybe take a minute today to think about where you are with him now, and where he may be leading you next. If he has led you to a wilderness, the path is leading to his promise.

No comments

Gracefully Frank

A David Psalm

H.S.

Categories

recent posts

Blog Archive

Search This Blog

Gracefully Frank

A David Psalm

H.S.

Categories

recent posts

Blog Archive

Search This Blog

copyright 2017