Anticipating Weakness

by - August 17, 2014

I'm in the Toronto airport with cry eyes.  Stress falls out my eyes you guys.  Several different emotions tend to do that.  It has been a really wonderful few days here in Toronto with our partner, her husband, and her staff and volunteers here.  We have learned so much about their ministry and the other country in the world where they are making an amazing impact.  I am humbled and emotional and thankful God has allowed me to be a part of this, to hear and capture their story so we can share it.  This morning we went to church with our sweet friends, where I did not understand one word except "Jesu."   That name I could hear loud and clear.  

As we drove toward the airport my co-worker began seeing her multiple e-mails from the airline delaying our flight.  First one hour, then another, then another, then another.   I calmly told her, "I am going to cry, and I don't want to talk about it."  I'm at the point of the trip where I don't want to talk anymore.  I will listen if she wants to talk, but don't ask me to talk.  Just let me cry for a minute. I'm anticipating weakness when we get in so late, and I don't like feeling weak.  The later our departure time, the later our arrival time, the later I start my drive from DFW back to Edmond.  Most of the time I will fly out of Edmond now, but this time it just worked out like this.  It will be very well after midnight before I get back to my new apartment, and lug my junk back up to my new bedroom that I am so grateful for by the way.

So I began to cry a little as the stress of anticipating weakness began to creep in on me. I'm going to get in late, I'm going to have a long drive, I'm by myself, and honestly I don't want to do all that. I am anticipating struggle and frustration.  Having to pull over in a ditch somewhere too tired to go on and having to hunker down and pray for daylight.  Or, stopping at a gas station and next week the video footage of me walking in, but never leaving is on the nightly news.  Not that that could happen since I know Krav Maga, but my imagination can be used for both good and evil. As I caught myself running  through the worst case scenarios I thought "why don't I anticipate strength?"  Why don't I anticipate I'm going to have exactly the strength I need to get where I'm going?  Why don't I anticipate that the road will rise beneath me?  Why don't I anticipate that I will stop at a well lit place for gas and get a great cup of coffee and turn on some of my favorite songs (which is a really long list of music) and knock out that drive as if I were headed to Barnsdall on a Saturday morning circa 1987.  

Why don't I anticipate strength?  How many scriptures do I have to tattoo on my face before I anticipate strength first?  How many times can I encourage others to anticipate strength and melt when I am faced with it.  Or at least try to politely check out of all encouragement and wallow a little bit.  (Dear co-worker, I'm no longer going to speak because I'm going to have a mental pity party.  So as you see me sit over here and cry just leave me alone.)   He will supply all my needs.  He is my strength.  He will complete what He has started.  He loves me and is with me.  Whatever weakness I assume I will have once I land back in Dallas is a made up story in my head.  It's not unreasonable to anticipate it may not be the easiest thing I've ever done, or that I will be tired, but to sit here in Canada crying about it is feeling more and more silly each time my finger falls on one of the letters of this keyboard.  I will have the strength I need.  To get home.  To get my work done.  To go to Africa in two weeks.  A trip that I have not even been able to think about this week.  Because as I anticipate weakness later tonight all anticipated weakness for the next 6 months to a year start to flood my thoughts.  But, again, I have a choice....anticipate weakness, or anticipate strength.  The one I choose will drastically affect my decisions, my mood, my peace, my joy, the people in my life.  I can stand on a promise and drive home tonight in grace, or give in to doubt and go in misery.   Either way, I'm driving to Edmond.  Choose wisely.   Both will be real, whichever I choose to believe.

Is there some circmstance in your life that you are anticipating weakness?  Are you getting under the table and hiding from it?   Are you moving forward, but with dread?  If I get under the table today I won't get home.  What might you miss if you anticipate weakness instead of being confident that God will give you the strength to get you home? Get you healthy? Get you free?  Get you the blessing?   Anticipate strength, and go forward in grace.  Even when the road is long and dark tonight, I will have the strength to get on down it...and at the end of it is right where I want to be.

Sooooo after that last paragraph, I went to stretch my legs, and ended up at the ticket counter.  She told me our flight was being delayed because of mechanical problems.  The other flight was being delayed due to bad weather, but would be leaving sooner now than our broken airplane.   And, since our flight will be getting in so late, even though I don't have a connecting flight problem, she comped me a hotel room in Dallas.  (I pray He never runs out of patience with me.) I trusted him to get me through the late night drive (and He would have), but tonight He one upped my request.  Now, I have a choice.  If I don't feel up to the drive I can wait till morning, and I love early morning drives.  But, also, if we land and I feel up to it...I anticipate the strength to get me home. Either way....   

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